Unresolved feelings

I was in the old house again in my dream last night. But it was a strange environment.....all the doors were closed and I could sense sadness. I wonder what this means. I saw my mother but she was quiet, drawn inwards and not talking much. I felt perhaps she was sad. This worries me....so far I've only seen her happy in my dreams. I know this reflects more on my unresolved emotions at the loss but it still hurt me....all day that's all I could think of. Will I move on from this? I never moved on from the loss of my father and that was 37 years ago.

Milestone memories

I remember the excitement I always had when my father bought a new car. Given the limited amount of time I had with him, there were just a few memories of this. I remember the enthusiasm, the emotions, the childlike wonder....

This week, I created that memory with my son. I took him along when buying a new car and I felt so proud. I could see the excitement in his eyes and I went along with his endless questions and comments on each and every thing. HE choose the car, HE decided...that was what was so important to him and I am so glad he got to experience this. I hope he cherishes this memory like I have for all these years.

There was something missing though. My mother was always so excited to know about any new car I got. She would always ask me for a picture, even one off the internet before it got delivered so she could see it. I did have a dream of her that night, I saw her in the new car as we were driving near our old house. I woke up teared up but smiling. 

Special recipes

I really miss the foods that sometimes I used to critisise that she made for me. I thought my mother had put too much oil in them, so I would always point out how they weren't good for me or her.

Now, I miss those, I will never get to taste all of those again. I can't replicate any of those, not for the lack of trying though. I think it's because she made them in her own special way, one that I can never really understand. 

I wish, I could taste all of them again......they were the best things I ever had.

Toughest

I find Sundays to be my toughest days....it's been well over a year but on every Sunday I wait for the calls or the messages. I never really valued these back then but now I feel empty without them. 

Sense of accomplishment

We give all we have and more to ensure our children have a better future and a better chance at life than what we did. This is the philosophy I have always gone by and one that I most likely did learn from my mother. She gave up everything and took on so much hardship to ensure that my life could be better even with just 1 parent. I would not be who I am or where I am were it not for all her sacrifices. I am always mindful of that. I try to do the same for my kids now but yes it is an ever moving goal post. One big milestone gets completed this year, then another next year and I'm sure there will be more the next. I struggle so they may have to do less when they come to my stage of life. 

I suppose this is what used to make my mother happy when we spoke on Sundays, seeing that I am doing well after all her hard work. I hope to have the same sense of accomplishment one day.

Conversations

It took me a whole week after being here to muster up the courage to go to her final resting place. When I did, I went by myself conscious of what she had taught me...about not letting anyone see me at my weakest. 

It wasn't easy, it did get to me in a way I had not expected. I hadn't been there since the burial and that was with lots of people so I maintained my composure then. This time, it was just me and her and I could let my emotions out. I found myself having a conversation with her. Telling her about my latest promotion at work, telling her about my kids and how well they were doing at school. It was just like a conversation we had a year ago but ofcourse one sided. I missed the gleam in her eyes when she used to hear these stories. I missed the excitement she had about how the kids were doing. I stayed there for quite a while talking. It was very different to how I had expected it to go and while it took a big toll on me it also felt good to have that conversation again. 

Against the current

The last year has been a year of medical news, not positive mind you. First one loved one then another. One was terminal and now the other one is quite serious. Professionally, a lot of goals were achieved and new ones created. Life's challenges keep coming at one quite quickly without giving you any time to react or to pause. 

In this one year, my immediate family drifted and is now a shadow of what it used to be. I realised that us 3 have no sibling bonds remaining anymore to speak of. We are like acquaintances, casually nodding to eachother across a packed room. 

I yearn for a rest or even a short pause, knowing full well I will not get any. With that acknowledgement, there's nothing left but to beat on, boats against the current....