Conversations

It took me a whole week after being here to muster up the courage to go to her final resting place. When I did, I went by myself conscious of what she had taught me...about not letting anyone see me at my weakest. 

It wasn't easy, it did get to me in a way I had not expected. I hadn't been there since the burial and that was with lots of people so I maintained my composure then. This time, it was just me and her and I could let my emotions out. I found myself having a conversation with her. Telling her about my latest promotion at work, telling her about my kids and how well they were doing at school. It was just like a conversation we had a year ago but ofcourse one sided. I missed the gleam in her eyes when she used to hear these stories. I missed the excitement she had about how the kids were doing. I stayed there for quite a while talking. It was very different to how I had expected it to go and while it took a big toll on me it also felt good to have that conversation again. 

Against the current

The last year has been a year of medical news, not positive mind you. First one loved one then another. One was terminal and now the other one is quite serious. Professionally, a lot of goals were achieved and new ones created. Life's challenges keep coming at one quite quickly without giving you any time to react or to pause. 

In this one year, my immediate family drifted and is now a shadow of what it used to be. I realised that us 3 have no sibling bonds remaining anymore to speak of. We are like acquaintances, casually nodding to eachother across a packed room. 

I yearn for a rest or even a short pause, knowing full well I will not get any. With that acknowledgement, there's nothing left but to beat on, boats against the current....

One phone call

It's been a year now, a year since I got the call telling me something I had never imagined. I remember I was in a meeting so I declined and then called back later when my aunt told me of the diagnosis. It was followed by shock, total disbelief and perhaps a bit of anger. That moment changed a lot and the next 2 months were the toughest I have ever been through. Maintaining strength for her while screaming inside about what was inevitably going to happen. I never started that day a year ago thinking of how different things were going to be then.

But time moves on, life moves on. Whatever connections I had to that city started to fade after her passing. I don't feel a connection there anymore, even though I still have relatives there, it's not the same anymore. I will probably need to go in a few months for a family event. I don't even know how I would go back into that house, that house that is now so empty.

Gradual decline

We started out as 5, that was before he passed away. Then for a long time we were 4; we were initially close but over time it faded and while it was me and my mother who remained closest, my sisters were there in some way so we were still together in some way.

After my mother passed, we were 3 for only a few weeks, a few short weeks later we were all separate then. I'm not sad, I'm just surprised that it was in the end her passing that just broke all the bonds that existed. 

Continues

It's been a while now but perhaps not long enough. I suppose there is no time long enough to lessen the constant reminders I still get. Small things, small occurrences take me back to happier times with her. There are so many reminders of past happy times, times that seem so long ago. I will always question whether I ever did enough especially near the end. Yes, I changed a lot once I knew of the situation but what about before that? I own up to it, I was not good to her, I left her alone. This will eat at me forever.

Fading with time

I miss my mother quite a lot. I haven't said that out loud before but now that I write it, it made me pause and realise that it's coming up to 6 months soon. Sometimes on Sundays, I forget and think of when when she would message me asking me to call her. I never treasured those calls when she was alive but now I yearn for them.

She would not be happy seeing how everything she built is falling apart, all the bonds are loosening and disappearing with petty disputes. I now realise the amazing ability she had where she had bound the entire family together all these years. Now, it's all fading.

Perhaps not prudent

They say I should put aside any grievances and make an effort to reestablish a connection with a certain person. Most people think this is the right thing to do, the logical thing to do...perhaps even the prudent thing to do. But there's just one question that comes to my head when I think of this person....."How did you expect me to ever take life away from the person who gave it to me in the first place?" Even if the last few weeks were tough and not pleasant, she finished her time in the manner it was written and not by someone else's choice. 

It was 3 days before my birthday when this person asked me to consider euthanasia; consider is a small word for the pressure I was put under. There was never a good time to push me to consider it but this was especially the worst possible time to bring it up.  If nothing else, I will always remember that my birthday cake was the last one she ever had. Call me strange but that means something to me.

So, no matter what everyone thinks is the more sensible thing to do, I will stick to my emotions and to my morals here.