Recurring nostalgia

I'm having a new recurring dream. Perhaps it's more nostalgia that a recurring dream. I see the house that we 4 moved into back in 1989....it was a small apartment, not very well suited for 4 people but it was what we could get. Interestingly it was just 100 yards away from the next apartment we moved to and then stayed in for many years.

I see it vividly, the 2 bedrooms, the kitchen, the storeroom, the living room, the back garden that was overgrown and left untended for a long time. For a few years it was the 4 of us...then 3 and then finally 2 as my sisters moved on. My mother and I stayed there on our own for several years....till 1998 infact. There are so many memories associated with that house, perhaps that's why I remember it. Over time, we made it better, we made it nicer, we made it a good home. But there was real adversity back then, times when luxuries were a far dream and the day to day basics were a struggle. We made it through because my mother worked incessantly. I learned how to keep myself entertained back then as between coming home from school and around 7pm she was busy teaching and it was only then that we had some time to connect.

Why do I see that house so regularly nowadays? It's been 28 years since we moved out of there....but that was where I learnt the value of hard work and the value of dedication....not to oneself but to the future. She dedicated every second of her life to making sure I had a chance to break out of the adversity we were in. Perhaps this is why I push myself everyday to make sure my kids have fewer challenges (or perhaps atleast different challenges) than I did when I was growing up. 

I am thankful for where I am now, this is all because of the effort she put in....basically gave up her life so I could have mine. Perhaps I am repeating that for the next generation.....to an extent I have given them a better and a more secure foundation than I had but there is always so much more to do.

Maybe seeing that home is a way for me to remember just how far I have come....all that I have achieved. I do miss it....it was a comfortable place despite its shortcomings. I grew up there in a sense....I realised the difficult nature of life and the struggle we need to do....I remember the small pleasures and the happiness created there. 

Poise

Facing adversity with poise and calm is a skill that not many people possess. Its elusive but once you get it, you realise how powerful it can be.

I learnt this from my mother....many years ago.

Challenges and milestones

Why is it that when you achieve a milestone, a new challenge comes in to not let you enjoy or savour the moment, even for a little moment?

Scents

In the house we lived where it was mostly just me and my mother for many years, we had jasmine flowers in the garden. I can vividly recall the strong smell that emanated from them at night. The other day, I came across this same smell and it made me think of those days and those memories came rushing back. It was a very simple house, we had our struggles but now that I run my own house, I realise just how difficult it would have been for my mother to run that house on her own. Life was so much simpler for me then....so much ahead of me that I never realised that I should have been cherishing those moments.

Unresolved feelings

I was in the old house again in my dream last night. But it was a strange environment.....all the doors were closed and I could sense sadness. I wonder what this means. I saw my mother but she was quiet, drawn inwards and not talking much. I felt perhaps she was sad. This worries me....so far I've only seen her happy in my dreams. I know this reflects more on my unresolved emotions at the loss but it still hurt me....all day that's all I could think of. Will I move on from this? I never moved on from the loss of my father and that was 37 years ago.

Milestone memories

I remember the excitement I always had when my father bought a new car. Given the limited amount of time I had with him, there were just a few memories of this. I remember the enthusiasm, the emotions, the childlike wonder....

This week, I created that memory with my son. I took him along when buying a new car and I felt so proud. I could see the excitement in his eyes and I went along with his endless questions and comments on each and every thing. HE choose the car, HE decided...that was what was so important to him and I am so glad he got to experience this. I hope he cherishes this memory like I have for all these years.

There was something missing though. My mother was always so excited to know about any new car I got. She would always ask me for a picture, even one off the internet before it got delivered so she could see it. I did have a dream of her that night, I saw her in the new car as we were driving near our old house. I woke up teared up but smiling. 

Special recipes

I really miss the foods that sometimes I used to critisise that she made for me. I thought my mother had put too much oil in them, so I would always point out how they weren't good for me or her.

Now, I miss those, I will never get to taste all of those again. I can't replicate any of those, not for the lack of trying though. I think it's because she made them in her own special way, one that I can never really understand. 

I wish, I could taste all of them again......they were the best things I ever had.