No fitting title :p

Tomorrow is the first big launch that I've done all by myself! :) I didn't wanna say it 'cos maybe it sounds vain and all but I'm proud of me! haha Ofcourse I could use a few weeks sleep to put off all the stress I've taken but I suppose that's for later.....

They're opening up a 3D cinema here today I think....I'm just thinking that it's gonna become one of those social hang out spots where you MUST be seen rather than a place to go and watch good movies. I think I'll wait for the "eager" bunch to get it out of their system first and then go. 

I'm in my zombie state now.....this is where I ramble the most :p but I do love this state so much! I'm so often here that I kinda got used to it a while back. I hate people who are so risk averse that they let life pass by without any thrill.

Laziness

I finally got to watch the final episode of a series that I had been watching way back like maybe 10 years ago....it was weird to finally get closure over the series after so many years but good nonetheless :) I'm not going to name the series 'cos its really corny but hey it was 10 years ago and I was bored at that time :p So why did it take me 10 years to finally get the last episode of a series I had been watching everyday?....well....too much going on and ofcourse laziness :D

Thinking about that time does make me wonder where I would've been had I not made some good decisions and some bad ones too....I'd say that was like a defining time period for me....where I settled on a direction and cut out others. Would I do anything differently if given another chance? Hard to say......

Imaginary

Someone asked me recently what the title of this blog meant....plus there were quite a few guesses in there to make me think I need to clarify before the guesses get more ridiculous :p and weird :D

Imaginary is the title of one of my favourite songs by Evanescence....the song just takes me away someplace where I can be happy and lost..... :) :)

Milestone

End of the year vacation time and I'm stuck at work! I so need a vacation but I can't take one now till the next 3 - 4 months! It's weird being one of the only few people left in the office....sometimes it's fun but I'd rather not have been part of this group.

I found an old picture yesterday of an event I attended with Z, it's an amazing picture with everyone laughing and it reminded me so much of what I had lost over time. I'd give anything for a do-over....but hey let's not mull in what could have been.

Yesterday I achieved another career milestone....crossed level X before age 30! Yayy! :) So even if my personal life is down the drain, atleast work wise I'm on track :)

Uncertainty + random

I hate uncertainty.....just plain hate it. Especially when it comes to my professional life I just think it's the worst situation I can put myself into. I have 2 very interesting choices.....both have their plus points and both have their drawbacks. Both will take me into very different directions for the future. At this stage in my life, I have to pick one....there won't be any turning back from this one....atleast not an easy one. The whole deal makes me irritated and cranky and I really hate that but deal with it.....

Also, I hate people who shove their cell phones right into their mouths when they talk! It's irritating! I suppose we've all had phones long enough now that people would learn how to use them.....
Apologies for this rant but I ended up talking to a guy during this post who did this and just ticked me off.

Mementos

Over the years I realized that I have kept very few mementos from moments that defined a point in my life. There is one thing that I have kept from a recent phase.....a cookie jar. You brought me home baked cookies in it more than a year ago and I can still remember their taste....divine! Those are long gone ofcourse and I refill it with cookies I buy myself but the jar will always remind me of you. You gave me a lot! And I know it ended so badly but the small moments in the whole time meant so much to me.

This cookie jar will always remind me of your bubbliness, your craziness.......YOU!

Loss of innocence

Do you remember the day when you lost your childhood ability of imagination? For some odd reason I remember it very clearly! I remember the exact day when after coming home from school I could not pick up on the imaginary game play that I had left the day before. It didn't even occur to me at that time that it was a little strange....that a major part of childhood was now over. Over time things changed more and more but I suppose that was the point when childhood ended. I also remember exactly where I left off the day before it all ended.....I do miss it.

From then on it was all different.....no more innocence.....no more simplicity. No more small things to make me happy.......and this is where it all led to......

Winter

I love winter.....have always done so. For some reason to me it seems peaceful....more so in the evenings when it gets dark early. I like taking walks by myself and feeling the cool wind on my face....it's very serene to me.

I remember years ago when I'd be up late and look out during cold winter nights....the silence was amazing. No humming of air conditioners meant that every small sound could be heard so easily. I so miss those days now!

Forgivable

I've always kept things to myself more than sharing with those around me. That said, posting about my thoughts online is hardly in keeping with my personality but then again this isn't the same as discussing things with family or friends. My mother thinks that I need to open up more and share what's going on in my head.....of all the people :) I know she feels bad for everything that's happening....and she feels it's all because of her choice. Truth be told it totally is but I can't bear to actually tell her that I believe it to be so. She's given up so much for me....22 years she's dedicated to making my life better. One mistake is forgivable....I suppose.

I don't want any more closeness.....I don't want anyone to know the mess that is in my head....I'm tired of trying to confide in someone and then finding out that the person will just use it to humiliate me. I'm tired of all the issues....I'm just so tired.

Randomness

I hate getting a bad throat....lately I've been sick with one thing or the other and now the throat issue. The last time I had a throat problem I ended up in hospital with an iv in my arm so not looking forward to that at all. Although the side effect was pretty rapid weight loss which in the long run became very much enjoyable :p

I think I need a vacation....but the sad part is I don't have time to take one. I haven't taken a proper vacation in over 5 years now. Writing that down just made it so much more lame and pathetic :p haha I will take one soon now.....although I have to make sure that it's not with anyone. I need alone time....seriously!

22 years on

22 years on since you were taken away. I don't accept it to this day and I never will. It was unfair to me and everyone else that we had to go on without you. I don't understand the rationale here....they say there's a plan behind every action but I don't understand it here.

22 years on and I still miss you every day. Are you proud of who I am?

I wonder.....

How do you give up on a life long commitment? Is it something that you can just walk away from because it's not working well? I'm forced to ask these questions because I don't know how some people can so easily give up on bonds that are meant to be unbreakable. I always thought I had a lot of patience and that I could bear anything as long as the end goal was in sight.....this whole episode makes me think I've finally found my breaking point.

Is it just my fear of loneliness that's keeping things going for us?

My vices are my concern

I know I do a lot of things that I'm not supposed to do....but does that make me a bad person? I mean just because I indulge in activities that are religiously and socially unacceptable for the place I live in should I be branded a bad seed? I realize that some of these things aren't good for me but I hate it when people come up to me and think they can judge me based on their definition of what a good person is.

If I wanted to, I could list down a bunch of bad habits and stuff for any person but I believe in live and let live so I honestly don't care if a person is indulging in activities that may be frowned upon just as long as the person is good at heart. So in a nutshell, I don't care if you think I'm headed to hell....that's my concern and my problem to deal with.

New friends

Lately I've been talking a lot to a new friend I made during a recent trip abroad. It's strange how much in common you can find with someone who you initially assumed had absolutely nothing in common with you. I find myself being in touch with her more often than with most other people.....and this is something I'm sure I'll get a lot of flak for. I don't think I've given anyone the wrong idea....but then again things have happened in the past because I didn't draw a line or draw it clearly enough. Honestly though, with all the stuff that's happening with me, I couldn't care less if there is any misconception. I needed an outlet and this person brings that to me. I can talk openly about any issue and go through an hour of conversation without there being any point. I think this is exactly what I needed :)

Zombie state

Shooting an ad in a foreign land is quite an experience; I had done it locally but this was the first time I saw it done abroad. The ad comes out in a while so I can't talk much on details but I honestly feel we did an amazing job here :)

Ofcourse the schedule itself has turned me into a complete zombie! Getting an average of 3 hours of sleep every night for 6 days is definitely not easy and is a sure fire way of getting into the zombie zone. Although right now I so miss the constant pressure.....I'd really give anything to be back into that zone now so I could have my mind focus on things that make me happy. Back here, I feel like I'm again caught in a vise....I feel like I'm suffocating....and it's all because of YOU!

Mixed week

I like being so lost in work that I don't get time to think of other stuff. At least here I don't have to face a melodramatic issue every 5 minutes....more like every 20 minutes here :D hahaha

Anyways I've been gone a while preparing for a big project.....we're making an ad and we're doing it abroad...Bangkok to be precise. I'm excited about being gone for a while....finally I get to unwind and relax and not have to think about how to occupy my evenings with pointless work so I go home late. Ofcourse lately my excuse has been the gym but I don't think its holding up too well :)

I hate people who judge others based on their looks. I got an intern to help out recently....real sweet kid who's very eager to help out all the time. But people have issued with the fact that she's the stereotype intern that everyone can ogle at all day. I hate being part of a group that thinks this way but unfortunately I can't just walk out of a nicely paying job 'cos I don't agree with people's views *sigh*.......

Torment

I thought I was spoilt till I saw this side of you.....I could never imagine you being the stereotypical one who wants nothing but the imposition of her will. I really wish I had seen this in your personality before....back when there was time. Now all I can do is be patient and hope God finds me a way out of this misery. I can't see a way out.....

I'd give anything to have the last 2 years back.....so maybe I could do things all over again and save myself from this torment. I imagine how things may have been with someone else and that's basically the only escape I have from this mess.....I can't keep deluding myself too long now.

Strange weddings

I hate going to weddings on weekdays......I mean the family involved has a day off the next day but we don't so why must we suffer the next day due to lack of sleep? It's just totally unfair! Although, when they put up a show for you to watch then it does sort of compensate :p I attended this "disco wedding" last night.....strobe lights on the stage, fog simulators, disco ball and even 70s disco music for a theme! I can admire the effort that they put into it but I really do question the reasoning! But hey....whatever makes them happy :)

Sad goodbyes

Today's the day that a very close friend of mine moves away forever. There's so much I wanted to say but none of that would fir neatly into an sms and besides would probably get too emo for my own good. So I suppose this is the best outlet for me to say all that I couldn't. It hasn't been too long since we first met....just over 3 years I guess but in that time I came closer to you than I did to most other people. You understood me and knew how to make me understand and that's a quality I don't find in many people. The times spent with you were not all good....I suppose no friendship is devoid of some downs but the good times were infact great! Those memories will always make me smile and I will never forget the experiences we shared. There's so much to say but you already know :)

Underlying reasons

10 years ago substance abuse was an activity for fun......now, it's a way to pass the evenings at home so I don't have to deal with the reality that comes at me like a freight train.

It's not that I enjoy it....far from it. With my background I know what all of this is doing to my brain....but the only other alternative I have is to be totally aware and then face the fact that you will never be happy and never let me be happy. We already live like we're 50.....this is so not how it was meant to be.

Strange wishes

Have you ever wised for a disaster to strike? A disaster that lets you just escape from all the worries and troubles of life into a new reality.....

Lately I've been wishing (thinking) of such things quite a lot.....I wonder if this counts as going insane? In the few moments I have before the effect of the pills kicks in...I always have these thoughts....am I a bad person for wishing something bad? A part of me says yes.....the rest is too numb to care anymore.

Back in touch

I think we spoke after 7 - 8 months....maybe even more. I pretended throughout that call that the last 8 months never really happened and honestly it did feel like that at times when we got engrossed in talking. I miss this so much! I truly feel like I lost a best friend in you more than anything else. I know you haven't forgiven me yet and that deep down you feel like I used you...physically and mentally. I swear there was no such intention....I truly wanted us to be together but you were just too erratic....you still are judging by the things you told me last night.

We're both trying so hard to move on....but failing miserably at it. The past is something we cannot revive....we cannot bring back those days....but how do I get rid of these feelings?

Song in my head

I remember 2 moments in my life when I had a happy tune playing in my head....the song was "It's a wonderful life" by Black.....80s music. The first time was in grade 6 just hanging out with friends and not caring about anything else but having fun. The second time was in my O-levels with J.....it was her birthday and we had gone to the beach with some friends.....walking down the beach and just staring out into the ocean...this was the theme in my head :)

I haven't really been that happy ever since....too many problems...too many mistakes....

You wonder why I don't share anything with you.....it's because I'm quite certain you don't understand and infact don't even want to understand. You want to know these things so that you can have some leverage in this relationship. I so badly want to have this tune in my head now....not forced....just automatically....like it was on both those days....I don't think it'll happen though.....

Punished

I hate it when you have to scream and shout to the whole world to tell everyone of my shortfalls.....I know I'm not perfect....far from it! But why is it that you feel the need to insult me in front of people who at one point used to think highly of me? This is not what this relationship was meant to be.....we are not the people we once thought we'd be.....

I don't know how to fix things anymore....everytime I think I make some progress you destroy it and we're back to square one. This is not a weak bond that can be broken so easily....or is it that the bond doesn't really exist and its just social pressure that makes me suffer this way.......

I know I'm being punished....and I know why.....

Castles in ruins....

We made our castles in the sky and then watched helplessly as they were torn down....not by us but by circumstances. Those castles now remain only in our memories...well in mine atleast. We've both moved on to different dreams and different ambitions and now strangely we are still bound by some sort of feeling that I don't quite understand. I suppose the distance of being in different continents will pull apart any inexplicable feelings that exist and the memories will eventually fade. I wonder how things may have been.....the "what if" will haunt me forever.....I don't know if you ever think of all this. But hey....I wish you all the best :) I choose to only remember the good times....no scratch that...the great times we had.

Names...

I pass by the port every morning on the way to work and I love looking at the names of the ships docked there....some are funny and some are really interesting. This morning I noticed the "Iron Butterfly" docked at the port :D .... made me smile and remember the songs by the band....okay it was mainly "in the garden of Eden"

Now these were good band names....strong and interesting....makes you wonder that if this idea continues where ships are named after famous bands...what will the ships of 20 years from now have displayed on them? Honestly most of the names of bands/artists nowadays would be hilarious on ships......imagine a ship with the name "black eyed peas" or "Usher" or even "Kesha" :p

Shopping!

What's with the massive jams everywhere?! I understand its almost Eid and all but I HATE it when people jam up roads while trying to decide whether they should get out of their cars or move to the next street. I used to love driving.....gave me a nice chance to just clear my head and relax....ofcourse that was before all the roads in this city became flooded with cars and people who feel they can park in the middle of the road :p

Okay I think that's enough of a vent for now :)

Speaking of Eid, I am so looking forward to getting some sleep now. I'll be home alone so basically 4 days of freedom coupled with extreme laziness! Yayyy!!! This whole month has messed up my sleep totally....but hey just a couple more days. I got myself a brand new pair of Prada glasses for Eid! :D I love 'em! Although I was surprised to find out that after 10 years my eyesight has infact improved :s how does that happen? I never even wore my glasses regularly....frankly I only got them for the look :p Yes I am very brand conscious but so what! Shopping is fun! It keeps my mind of all the **** and lets me escape and be happy! :)

"Everything for free"

I love this song "everything for free" (Ks choice)....it's from the 90s and reminds me so much of the days I spent during my summer vacations. The song's a little crazy and weird .... like someone used to say to me :) ... but it has something about it that just makes me love it!

"they think I'm crazy....they don't know that I like it here....it's nice in here"

I do wonder at times how relaxed it'd be in an asylum :p hahahaha ...... okay enough rambling....back to reality!

Reunion

I meet up with my old school buddies every year....it's a tradition of iftar that we've maintained for over 13 years now (maybe more...) and every year we transport right back to where we were so many years ago. It's so weird cos we're all now well into our lives but the atmosphere never changes when we get together. It reminded me so much of carefree days....days that I actually now realize were carefree....back then even the smallest thing could mean the world to us. The freedom is what I miss from those days....the freedom....the fun....some people. But I'm not going to reminisce about those days in a sad way...I lived those days to the fullest and enjoyed them fully! I'm happy about how most things were back then and I don't think I would've changed anything.

Amazed

I'm amazed at how stubborn some people can be at times. Just to put in their own point you are willing to go into years and years of arguments and disagreements.....it's just mind boggling. Maybe I've become accustomed to looking at the larger picture and so giving up small arguments but I always thought others would do the same.

I don't know what it'll take for you to realize that it's getting beyond my point of tolerance now....and I've been told I'm a very patient and tolerant person. I'm starting to detest weekends because I know what they'll mean.....I get pulled into an argument between them both and have to try and find a way to get through the day without going insane.....yes there's a lot of pills I take but even those are getting to be useless now. Please just stop! I really never expected things to go so wrong so quick...........

Lessons learnt the hard way

Just a few years can make so much of a difference to one's outlook on life and radically change the way one makes decisions. Today, when I come across a situation where I need to make a decision, I find myself thinking things through to the end. I don't mind admitting that in the past I have made so many hasty decisions...decisions that I am truly sorry for and I will keep apologizing for. I remember looking at the short term and thinking I could control situations or eventualities...but seriously no one can fully control eventualities. If something starts on the basis of compromise or the intent of changing one's perspectives and thoughts then there is no way it can lead to a good eventuality. I've had to learn that the hard way and I guess the lesson has finally sunk in.

Progression

I see people's lives moving on so fast....I sometimes think I'm stuck in a particular time period....atleast in my head and I really just don't want to get out of it. Maybe I'm clinging on to some things that should be let go of now.

I wonder if I am going round in circles trying to improve on things which will probably stay the way they have forever. I thought she'd understand by now....understand a little bit about what goes on in my head. It's an unusual relationship this one....sometimes I'm not too sure of what holds us together....social pressure? That's a horrifying thought! I think of all that was and all that could have been....the "what if" haunts me daily until I get some pills to take my mind off it. I know I have made horrific mistakes in the past and some very good people have suffered because of my stupidities and childishness. All I can say to you all is that I truly am very sorry. Just let me move on....or atleast try to move on.

I'm going to be positive though....although the only positive I can find is in work....and then you wonder why I'm a workoholic! It's because I find peace here....I know how sad that sounds........

Back to the beginning

I started a new phase of my life a year ago. At that point I gave up a lot of things including writing because I felt I didn't need an outlet to vent anymore :) A year on, things are pretty much back to how they were when I first started writing. Dreams and hopes of naivety are now replaced by cold hard facts of life....I think I'm in way over my head but there's no stepping back now. Medication helps....of course it's not something I can proudly announce as a savior but let's be fair...it really helps.

I am urged on by the reminder of commitments.....commitments to others, none to myself ofcourse. The only commitment I make to myself is to not open up my mind too much to even myself....for if I let out some deep buried memories, I fear I'll be on the precipise I was 14 years ago.