Amazed

I'm amazed at how stubborn some people can be at times. Just to put in their own point you are willing to go into years and years of arguments and disagreements.....it's just mind boggling. Maybe I've become accustomed to looking at the larger picture and so giving up small arguments but I always thought others would do the same.

I don't know what it'll take for you to realize that it's getting beyond my point of tolerance now....and I've been told I'm a very patient and tolerant person. I'm starting to detest weekends because I know what they'll mean.....I get pulled into an argument between them both and have to try and find a way to get through the day without going insane.....yes there's a lot of pills I take but even those are getting to be useless now. Please just stop! I really never expected things to go so wrong so quick...........

Lessons learnt the hard way

Just a few years can make so much of a difference to one's outlook on life and radically change the way one makes decisions. Today, when I come across a situation where I need to make a decision, I find myself thinking things through to the end. I don't mind admitting that in the past I have made so many hasty decisions...decisions that I am truly sorry for and I will keep apologizing for. I remember looking at the short term and thinking I could control situations or eventualities...but seriously no one can fully control eventualities. If something starts on the basis of compromise or the intent of changing one's perspectives and thoughts then there is no way it can lead to a good eventuality. I've had to learn that the hard way and I guess the lesson has finally sunk in.

Progression

I see people's lives moving on so fast....I sometimes think I'm stuck in a particular time period....atleast in my head and I really just don't want to get out of it. Maybe I'm clinging on to some things that should be let go of now.

I wonder if I am going round in circles trying to improve on things which will probably stay the way they have forever. I thought she'd understand by now....understand a little bit about what goes on in my head. It's an unusual relationship this one....sometimes I'm not too sure of what holds us together....social pressure? That's a horrifying thought! I think of all that was and all that could have been....the "what if" haunts me daily until I get some pills to take my mind off it. I know I have made horrific mistakes in the past and some very good people have suffered because of my stupidities and childishness. All I can say to you all is that I truly am very sorry. Just let me move on....or atleast try to move on.

I'm going to be positive though....although the only positive I can find is in work....and then you wonder why I'm a workoholic! It's because I find peace here....I know how sad that sounds........

Back to the beginning

I started a new phase of my life a year ago. At that point I gave up a lot of things including writing because I felt I didn't need an outlet to vent anymore :) A year on, things are pretty much back to how they were when I first started writing. Dreams and hopes of naivety are now replaced by cold hard facts of life....I think I'm in way over my head but there's no stepping back now. Medication helps....of course it's not something I can proudly announce as a savior but let's be fair...it really helps.

I am urged on by the reminder of commitments.....commitments to others, none to myself ofcourse. The only commitment I make to myself is to not open up my mind too much to even myself....for if I let out some deep buried memories, I fear I'll be on the precipise I was 14 years ago.