Underlying reasons

10 years ago substance abuse was an activity for fun......now, it's a way to pass the evenings at home so I don't have to deal with the reality that comes at me like a freight train.

It's not that I enjoy it....far from it. With my background I know what all of this is doing to my brain....but the only other alternative I have is to be totally aware and then face the fact that you will never be happy and never let me be happy. We already live like we're 50.....this is so not how it was meant to be.

Strange wishes

Have you ever wised for a disaster to strike? A disaster that lets you just escape from all the worries and troubles of life into a new reality.....

Lately I've been wishing (thinking) of such things quite a lot.....I wonder if this counts as going insane? In the few moments I have before the effect of the pills kicks in...I always have these thoughts....am I a bad person for wishing something bad? A part of me says yes.....the rest is too numb to care anymore.

Back in touch

I think we spoke after 7 - 8 months....maybe even more. I pretended throughout that call that the last 8 months never really happened and honestly it did feel like that at times when we got engrossed in talking. I miss this so much! I truly feel like I lost a best friend in you more than anything else. I know you haven't forgiven me yet and that deep down you feel like I used you...physically and mentally. I swear there was no such intention....I truly wanted us to be together but you were just too erratic....you still are judging by the things you told me last night.

We're both trying so hard to move on....but failing miserably at it. The past is something we cannot revive....we cannot bring back those days....but how do I get rid of these feelings?

Song in my head

I remember 2 moments in my life when I had a happy tune playing in my head....the song was "It's a wonderful life" by Black.....80s music. The first time was in grade 6 just hanging out with friends and not caring about anything else but having fun. The second time was in my O-levels with J.....it was her birthday and we had gone to the beach with some friends.....walking down the beach and just staring out into the ocean...this was the theme in my head :)

I haven't really been that happy ever since....too many problems...too many mistakes....

You wonder why I don't share anything with you.....it's because I'm quite certain you don't understand and infact don't even want to understand. You want to know these things so that you can have some leverage in this relationship. I so badly want to have this tune in my head now....not forced....just automatically....like it was on both those days....I don't think it'll happen though.....

Punished

I hate it when you have to scream and shout to the whole world to tell everyone of my shortfalls.....I know I'm not perfect....far from it! But why is it that you feel the need to insult me in front of people who at one point used to think highly of me? This is not what this relationship was meant to be.....we are not the people we once thought we'd be.....

I don't know how to fix things anymore....everytime I think I make some progress you destroy it and we're back to square one. This is not a weak bond that can be broken so easily....or is it that the bond doesn't really exist and its just social pressure that makes me suffer this way.......

I know I'm being punished....and I know why.....

Castles in ruins....

We made our castles in the sky and then watched helplessly as they were torn down....not by us but by circumstances. Those castles now remain only in our memories...well in mine atleast. We've both moved on to different dreams and different ambitions and now strangely we are still bound by some sort of feeling that I don't quite understand. I suppose the distance of being in different continents will pull apart any inexplicable feelings that exist and the memories will eventually fade. I wonder how things may have been.....the "what if" will haunt me forever.....I don't know if you ever think of all this. But hey....I wish you all the best :) I choose to only remember the good times....no scratch that...the great times we had.

Names...

I pass by the port every morning on the way to work and I love looking at the names of the ships docked there....some are funny and some are really interesting. This morning I noticed the "Iron Butterfly" docked at the port :D .... made me smile and remember the songs by the band....okay it was mainly "in the garden of Eden"

Now these were good band names....strong and interesting....makes you wonder that if this idea continues where ships are named after famous bands...what will the ships of 20 years from now have displayed on them? Honestly most of the names of bands/artists nowadays would be hilarious on ships......imagine a ship with the name "black eyed peas" or "Usher" or even "Kesha" :p

Shopping!

What's with the massive jams everywhere?! I understand its almost Eid and all but I HATE it when people jam up roads while trying to decide whether they should get out of their cars or move to the next street. I used to love driving.....gave me a nice chance to just clear my head and relax....ofcourse that was before all the roads in this city became flooded with cars and people who feel they can park in the middle of the road :p

Okay I think that's enough of a vent for now :)

Speaking of Eid, I am so looking forward to getting some sleep now. I'll be home alone so basically 4 days of freedom coupled with extreme laziness! Yayyy!!! This whole month has messed up my sleep totally....but hey just a couple more days. I got myself a brand new pair of Prada glasses for Eid! :D I love 'em! Although I was surprised to find out that after 10 years my eyesight has infact improved :s how does that happen? I never even wore my glasses regularly....frankly I only got them for the look :p Yes I am very brand conscious but so what! Shopping is fun! It keeps my mind of all the **** and lets me escape and be happy! :)

"Everything for free"

I love this song "everything for free" (Ks choice)....it's from the 90s and reminds me so much of the days I spent during my summer vacations. The song's a little crazy and weird .... like someone used to say to me :) ... but it has something about it that just makes me love it!

"they think I'm crazy....they don't know that I like it here....it's nice in here"

I do wonder at times how relaxed it'd be in an asylum :p hahahaha ...... okay enough rambling....back to reality!

Reunion

I meet up with my old school buddies every year....it's a tradition of iftar that we've maintained for over 13 years now (maybe more...) and every year we transport right back to where we were so many years ago. It's so weird cos we're all now well into our lives but the atmosphere never changes when we get together. It reminded me so much of carefree days....days that I actually now realize were carefree....back then even the smallest thing could mean the world to us. The freedom is what I miss from those days....the freedom....the fun....some people. But I'm not going to reminisce about those days in a sad way...I lived those days to the fullest and enjoyed them fully! I'm happy about how most things were back then and I don't think I would've changed anything.