Forgivable

I've always kept things to myself more than sharing with those around me. That said, posting about my thoughts online is hardly in keeping with my personality but then again this isn't the same as discussing things with family or friends. My mother thinks that I need to open up more and share what's going on in my head.....of all the people :) I know she feels bad for everything that's happening....and she feels it's all because of her choice. Truth be told it totally is but I can't bear to actually tell her that I believe it to be so. She's given up so much for me....22 years she's dedicated to making my life better. One mistake is forgivable....I suppose.

I don't want any more closeness.....I don't want anyone to know the mess that is in my head....I'm tired of trying to confide in someone and then finding out that the person will just use it to humiliate me. I'm tired of all the issues....I'm just so tired.

Randomness

I hate getting a bad throat....lately I've been sick with one thing or the other and now the throat issue. The last time I had a throat problem I ended up in hospital with an iv in my arm so not looking forward to that at all. Although the side effect was pretty rapid weight loss which in the long run became very much enjoyable :p

I think I need a vacation....but the sad part is I don't have time to take one. I haven't taken a proper vacation in over 5 years now. Writing that down just made it so much more lame and pathetic :p haha I will take one soon now.....although I have to make sure that it's not with anyone. I need alone time....seriously!

22 years on

22 years on since you were taken away. I don't accept it to this day and I never will. It was unfair to me and everyone else that we had to go on without you. I don't understand the rationale here....they say there's a plan behind every action but I don't understand it here.

22 years on and I still miss you every day. Are you proud of who I am?

I wonder.....

How do you give up on a life long commitment? Is it something that you can just walk away from because it's not working well? I'm forced to ask these questions because I don't know how some people can so easily give up on bonds that are meant to be unbreakable. I always thought I had a lot of patience and that I could bear anything as long as the end goal was in sight.....this whole episode makes me think I've finally found my breaking point.

Is it just my fear of loneliness that's keeping things going for us?

My vices are my concern

I know I do a lot of things that I'm not supposed to do....but does that make me a bad person? I mean just because I indulge in activities that are religiously and socially unacceptable for the place I live in should I be branded a bad seed? I realize that some of these things aren't good for me but I hate it when people come up to me and think they can judge me based on their definition of what a good person is.

If I wanted to, I could list down a bunch of bad habits and stuff for any person but I believe in live and let live so I honestly don't care if a person is indulging in activities that may be frowned upon just as long as the person is good at heart. So in a nutshell, I don't care if you think I'm headed to hell....that's my concern and my problem to deal with.

New friends

Lately I've been talking a lot to a new friend I made during a recent trip abroad. It's strange how much in common you can find with someone who you initially assumed had absolutely nothing in common with you. I find myself being in touch with her more often than with most other people.....and this is something I'm sure I'll get a lot of flak for. I don't think I've given anyone the wrong idea....but then again things have happened in the past because I didn't draw a line or draw it clearly enough. Honestly though, with all the stuff that's happening with me, I couldn't care less if there is any misconception. I needed an outlet and this person brings that to me. I can talk openly about any issue and go through an hour of conversation without there being any point. I think this is exactly what I needed :)

Zombie state

Shooting an ad in a foreign land is quite an experience; I had done it locally but this was the first time I saw it done abroad. The ad comes out in a while so I can't talk much on details but I honestly feel we did an amazing job here :)

Ofcourse the schedule itself has turned me into a complete zombie! Getting an average of 3 hours of sleep every night for 6 days is definitely not easy and is a sure fire way of getting into the zombie zone. Although right now I so miss the constant pressure.....I'd really give anything to be back into that zone now so I could have my mind focus on things that make me happy. Back here, I feel like I'm again caught in a vise....I feel like I'm suffocating....and it's all because of YOU!

Mixed week

I like being so lost in work that I don't get time to think of other stuff. At least here I don't have to face a melodramatic issue every 5 minutes....more like every 20 minutes here :D hahaha

Anyways I've been gone a while preparing for a big project.....we're making an ad and we're doing it abroad...Bangkok to be precise. I'm excited about being gone for a while....finally I get to unwind and relax and not have to think about how to occupy my evenings with pointless work so I go home late. Ofcourse lately my excuse has been the gym but I don't think its holding up too well :)

I hate people who judge others based on their looks. I got an intern to help out recently....real sweet kid who's very eager to help out all the time. But people have issued with the fact that she's the stereotype intern that everyone can ogle at all day. I hate being part of a group that thinks this way but unfortunately I can't just walk out of a nicely paying job 'cos I don't agree with people's views *sigh*.......