Travel

I need to take a vacation...go somewhere far away. Not for long....I suppose even a week would do for me at this stage. I remember K used to talk about these places in Sweden that I would just love to go see for myself....that's one place I really do want to visit....northern Europe....never been that far up...nothing above Denmark so this is definitely a "to do". I used to love travelling on my own....just go to a city and get lost.....try to find my way back to where I was staying and this was the time I discovered so much about a city. It seems so long ago now.....I really do want to begin that again....but on my own.....maybe soon :)

Future musings

I'm never too excited about having an upcoming birthday....I see a lot of people around me really looking forward to theirs and making plans to do so much.....but I just see it as another day. I don't really understand why I treat any occasion as just another day but its a very strong habit now. I suppose this past year has been one that has seen 2 extremes....great success in my work life but at the same time misery in my personal life. On the whole I can't really say whether its been a good year or a bad one....I guess it's about which part of life I look at.

So what do I look forward to in the next year of my life? I don't know....it's all a big blur at the moment. Things (personal life) could go horribly wrong or they could improve....I find improvement hard to imagine at the moment but I suppose there's always hope

Random

You forget all your worries and troubles when you walk in on your 60+ mother in the kitchen singing "Sheila" :D

What may have been

Last night I had a strange dream about J...it was back in school and we were just hanging out....talking like we always did. I really do miss that whole time. Things were so much simpler back then....I remember the long afternoons after school where we'd just hang out and talk about everything and nothing. In the back of my mind I fear that it was the best chance I had for happiness but then we had both decided that nothing could come of it so why worry about it. Frankly I don't think we even properly said goodbye ever....just switched onto a different part of our lives.

Now when I talk to her it's so weird....she has a full life with kids and family and it's like we're worlds apart....I suppose everyone adapts to the situation that they are put into...I am ofcourse happy for her because she seems happy. It was a wonderful 5 years that I will always remember....

But isn't it wonderful to dream of what may have been.....

Roots

I coupled a work trip with a chance to get to know my roots a little more in depth. Turns out I am more like my father than I ever knew...who in turn was a lot like a great grandfather he had.....I loved exploring the entire family tree. I suppose it gives me a sense of belonging....a sense of being part of a family....which is something I always miss in the city I live in. I can't explain it but being in that family house always seems right to me....even if it's just for a few hours I feel like I'm home.

I really do wish I'd had more of a chance to know him....

Chinese nostalgia

Remember the old 80s chinese restaurants?....the ones with red and white table cloths...food with way too much ketchup in it....tacky decorations all over.....? I went to one of those over the weekend....it's just so strange to find them still around...albeit in very select areas but it just made me so nostalgic! I remember when we used to go there as a family.....my father would always be the one ordering...he'd know exactly what everyone would like. I really miss those days....and I miss him....I miss not being able to know him....I'm certain that he would be able to guide me out of the mess I'm in now. I don't go to such places because of the food....I go there for the nostalgia.....I go there because I feel a connection with the past....with happier times.....

Reality

HOPE
It's 6pm and I come home....I see her sitting with my mom talking....laughing...sharing a few stories...they've been out during the day and are planning for another day. I see happiness around me....I see a family. We all sit together and have a chat over tea....discuss people, things, anything and everything. She is there as a daughter to my mother not a daughter in law....she makes her feel happy and wants her to relax after 20 years of raising a son on her own. We have dinner together...all 3 of us....and then the 2 of us maybe go out for coffee....Life is beautiful.

REALITY

It's 8.30pm and I come home after coming up with things to keep myself busy till late. She isn't home yet...out with friends / colleagues.....I sit with my mom who has had a tough day and is exhausted....we have tea. She walks in....upset with me for not having called and asked her if she wanted something. She screams at us both about one thing or another....grabs her dinner from the kitchen and eats in the room. My mother has tears in her eyes....she worries about how things will go on when it's only been a year and things are so bad....she apologises to me like she does everyday...I hug her. I go into my room after taking a concoction of tranquilizers and nerv relaxants....enough to drown out her screams at me. I pass out soon....off to a better world in my dreams.....waiting for the next day to start......Life is a nightmare.

Comparisons

I am an avid reader of blogs and do regularly follow a few. One post recently really struck me quite strong and made me think. We all think that we've got it bad and that things are unfair....very rarely do we see such stark examples that make us realize how difficult things may be for others and our worries and troubles no matter how big may seem trivial in comparison. I don't know you but I really do hope that things start looking up for you and that you find happiness.

Dangerous times

We now live in very dangerous times and based on what's going on I don't seem to think there's much hope for improvement. I think the following is very pertinent:

They came first for the Communists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist.

Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew.

Then they came for me
and by that time no one was left to speak up.

This was a writing by Martin Niemoller during WW2 on the Nazis oppression of different sects of society. This should be a wake up call for us all.

On a lighter note, you can't help but smile when you see an angry youngster part of a religious rally chanting slogans while drinking Pepsi! Oh the irony :)

Hope

You never really realize the impact you can have on other people's lives until it hits you straight on your face. Up until now I had believed that we all go about our daily work in our little shells and my work didn't impact anyone directly in any way. A couple of days ago I realized that this one project I have worked on has infact given a job to 5 previously unemployed people and when they met me I could see the gratitude in their eyes. This to me meant so much more than all the accolades and the promotions and the pats on the back over the last few days. The ray of hope I saw in them made it all worth it in the end....