Distractions

I'm conflicted.......caught between 2 choices where I either pick my own happiness or I choose to carry on this facade for the sake of you, us and everyone else. I don't feel anything now....even the anger's gone....it's just nothingness. I find myself drifting further and further away and although I don't like it...I don't think it's something I can control...or do I even want to? Since the alternate basically means having to face this mess that I'm in.

Work is good at keeping me busy though....when you spend 13 hours in the office you hardly have any energy left to feel anything....maybe I'm hoping for some sort of breakdown.

On a separate note I got reacquainted with "summer wine" a couple of days back....I love that song! I remember my father listening to it.....I can never get too much of that song

Worn down

I hate the fact that you want to question everything I do just to check if I'm hiding something. No one ever questioned me this much on my life but you feel the need to double check everything I say! The worst thing is that you know it irritates me so much but yet you try and see how far you can push my patience.....honestly my patience is now worn down and battered......

I've never been to this place before....I've always been very patient....I don't know how to handle this....I find myself losing my temper....losing my focus....it's a strange place to be.....Please let me go back to where I was before....where I was happy......

Days best ignored

I never really like valentine's so much.....okay I guess it was a big thing back in school but since I've ben out of school I've never really celebrated it....even if I did have someone to celebrate it with. I do remember a time when I really looked forward to it and planned for it....but that was a very different time and a very different person. Now all I do is plan things to keep myself distracted and busy so I don't have to face the fact that all the dreams that were once shared are never going to be.

So this adds to my list of "days to be ignored"....not a very long list though....unlike most other lists I carry.

Delusions

Everytime I delude myself into thinking that maybe things can still just move along, you have to smack me in the face with the fact that no matter how much I try I just can't find any middle ground now. I've been patient for over a year now.....I used to think nothing could wear down my patience.....but I find myself getting irritated, screaming inside my head, this stomach churning feeling.....all of these signs that I just can't take it anymore.

Am I holding on to the last few shreds of hope just because of fear.....uncertainty.....perhaps some misguided sense of responsibility? I don't know anymore.....

All I know is that all the pills I take aren't enough to numb me anymore.....

Random

I love cheescake! It's one of my biggest temptations and the fact that I can't eat it nowadays makes me really irritated......I've been on a weight watching thing for quite some time now. Not that I couldn't do with a day of indulgence but the guilt trip would just kill me then so I avoid it.

I don't think I ever mentioned that my sister has a thing for keeping a ridiculous amount of cats (11) and dogs (5)....in the same house at the same time! :) It's like a zoo in there....but having the same animal loving genes as her I do love all of them....even if there are way too many but so what....it's entertaining just watching the way they interact with eachother.

I was under the impression that we have a day off in the middle of the current week....imagine my sadness when I realized its next week.....oh well....

Catching up

This weekend I met one of my oldest friends from school....she was here for a few days and we made the effort of keeping one night free so that the 2 of us could catch up. You never realize how long its been until you actually think about all the time that's passed. I think the last time the 2 of us had such a long and detailed discussion on anything was over 10 years ago and just that fact makes me wonder what I've done with the last 10 years of my life. In terms of personal achievements I honestly don't have much to show for all these years....infact you could say I was better off in terms of personal happiness back then as compared to now. Yes ofcourse there are tons of professional achievements but in the end how much do those matter if you're not happy.

On a separate note....Gulliver's Travels is definitely not worth 3d! :p Infact it's not even worth paying the cinema charges!

Confusing calls

I don't know why you call me at times.....it's been so long now that things took such a nasty turn and you became bitter....but despite all that you call and start talking as if nothing ever happened. Is it just to torture me into thinking what could have been? Or are you just simply that lost that you have nowhere else left to turn to?

Trust

I don't understand myself when it comes to the issue of trust. Some people I trust intimately and immediately...I share with them things that are quite personal and I suppose most people would be a little troubled to talk so openly about them.....not saying that this has hurt me so far.....if anything it has helped me. My confusion is more regarding people who I suppose I should trust but I really don't.....I can't understand why this is so.....

Bearing misery

A good friend recently asked me...."why do you make yourself go through misery?" I honestly don't know the answer to that question. Perhaps its because I'm afraid of what will happen if I let go and stop caring about the social stigma. Or maybe it's because I do care a lot more about the situation than most people believe I do. Frankly I'm getting to a point where I've stopped caring about the fights and the issues....I've retreated further into my own head and I guess that's not a good thing in the long run but it works for now so I can live with it.