Open sea

I love being in the open sea....the water just calms me and is just so soothing. Although being in the open sea with people like M is not totally calming as all she does is continuously complain and get sick :) I suppose the constant movement is not for everyone. Given a choice, I'd take a ride out to sea everyday and just kick back. I remember a time when it was an every weekend activity.....it was so long ago now but I can recall every bit of it very clearly. I really miss those times.....those people.....

Escape

I find that the best way to escape from my issues and problems is total and complete delusion and ofcourse letting go of the control I maintain over every aspect of my life - just for a short while. So that's what I did this weekend....so much so that my head is still numb. Okay I'm not a great proponent of substance abuse but it seriously got me out of the dump I was in :) ..... and yes I do know it's completely temporary but I've got to a point now where even a temporary reprieve is a very welcome one and I would gladly indulge so that a few hours can pass in happiness.

On a sadder note....I say goodbye to my barber.....a nice, kind and gentle soul who passed away recently. I will always remember discussions with him held over a multitude of subjects.I always knew he faced a lot of troubles but he never brought them up in front of me. I will always remember the pride in his eyes when he mentioned his son and how he had so many hopes for him. I hope I was able to be a nice person to him.....may you rest in peace.

Pictures and notes

Came across an old envelope a couple of days ago....just stood out because it seemed old and a little tattered. Opened it and realized it was my fathers'....it had 6 passport size pictures of him in it and some hand written notes. I don't know where this envelope came from....suddenly just got found lying among a bunch of things. I wonder what they were for? Was he giving them to the person whose name was written on the envelope or was he just keeping them for something else?

I looked at the pictures for a while....also his handwritten notes....I felt a connection there...something I haven't had for 23 years now. These were pictures from around the time he passed away....and I still can't accept the fact that he's gone...the anger is still there....I want to know why! I want to know who I would've been if he had been around.

I also realized a similarity between the 2 of us....he didn't smile when taking photographs for official use....I always like knowing that we are alike. I can't explain why....perhaps in my own way I'm trying so hard to be like him....but no.....he was probably a much better person than I've turned out to be. Do I disappoint him wherever he is now? I hope not.....but I fear that I do. It's so not fair!!

Disconnect

I don't like spending 12 hours of my life at work....I'm really not the sort who enjoys these things and then speaks of them to other people as if the work I do is so important and that the world would collapse if I didn't do it. I'd rather be out....enjoying my life....enjoying the company of people I care about. Life for the past few months has been really tough and hard to deal with. I need to disconnect and I need to do it soon.

I know you tried to make things better....but you just don't realize that it's a matter of personality clash. The way you are....you will never accept anyone else's dictation in even the smallest most insignificant matter of life. It's not that I want to be dictatorial....but sometimes its nice to be heard and considered.

I'm tired of being unhappy and sad....I think I deserve happiness now....I've waited long enough and I've been through enough....I don't like the image staring back at me in the mirror

Looking within

Sometimes I really worry about the sort of person I am....or is it just one aspect of the many faces I've used over the years that worries me. That ofcourse is another worry....the fact that I've put on so many faces to suit others over time, I don't really remember the one I started out with. How do I find that one now?

The face that worries me is the one where I see evil....I see a darkness there that I really don't want to even confront. I can't even remember how this one came about.....what situation or person forced me to make this one up and put it on? I just know it's there and that it resurfaces from time to time...I want it to go away...although the current situation (mess) I'm in right now is actually making me wear it more and more often....

Running nowhere

I miss my daily routine of running in the nearby park....I remember I used to do it everyday (well almost) while I was in school and then university too. Although it didn't help one bit in terms of reducing any weight :) it was still a very relaxing (mentally) activity. Nowadays I pass by the park everyday on my way back from work....I see people there and I am reminded of myself all those years ago. I always felt such freedom while running....my mind would just drift away and I'd feel happy. Regardless of what time of the day it was I would still make the effort to go there....sometimes even in the afternoon....in the sweltering heat. But when you're coming back from work at 9 in the evening, you hardly feel like running anymore....

I've been reacquainted with an old friend recently...someone who had drifted away....well to be honest we had both drifted away...it's been years now so I can barely recall exactly what happened. I'm surprised by the level of care this person exhibits....I'm not used to this much care....