Off

Is it possible that in my mind I have turned off the switch that cares? Perhaps that switch was never really on....I've never really fallen for the emotional traps people set....all it does is infuriate me even further. You should know by now that it's really not working and just making things worse. I've never really been so wrong at reading people but I suppose there's always a first time and unfortunately this time was a massive oversight and the repercussions may be quite serious.

Practicality

As old connections fade and dissolve....new ones emerge. It feels strange that we tend to move on so quickly....but perhaps I can understand this better after having talked to my aunt. So it would seem that we have it in our blood to move on....to not dwell too long on something that has happened. Maybe that's a good thing....our practicality....but I am sure that it's interpreted as cold heartedness by others.

On a lighter note...India's first ever 3D horror movie...aptly titled haunted....is pure entertainment. I swear if you add up all the 3D effects that hollywood has done so far....you'd still fall short of what this one movie has done. I laughed for the entirety of the movie....possibly not the desired effect that the makers had intended but honestly you cannot get more entertained for rs.500 doing anything else.

Competition

So is it just social pressure and the fear of stigma that keeps this train wreck going? Slowly but surely I realize that despite the sadness of this fact...it is infact very true. Competition is healthy but it doesn't work in every relationship....infact there are some relationships where competition needs to be done away with. This is your problem! You try and compete on every issue....every non issue.....I know you will never acknowledge this but in the end this is the main issue that tears us apart at the seams. Things are supposed to be simple....they are supposed to be happy......but I don't see that coming anywhere in the near future.

Is it unreasonable for me to want simplicity in this relationship? Is it unreasonable that I want you to rely on me for somethings?

Overwhelmed

It's really amazing how even after 23 years you can recognize family just by the eyes across a room filled with people. I have to admit the emotions got to me too when I met her....it was quite a moving moment. For all the issues people have had....and all the stubbornness....in the end none of it was really important. So many years wasted just because of egos and momentary anger.

She's been through so much by herself that its understandable why she's a little harsh.....the death of a husband, 3 brothers, 1 nephew, 1 niece......after all that death around her, it's remarkable that she was able to maintain her sanity.

I can't really describe the emotions and thoughts that I went through.....when I heard that my eyes change color just like my father....when I heard that the way I walk and the way I look at people is exactly the way he used to do.....I've always been told some of these things but the intensity was so much stronger this time. It's unfortunate that we spent so many years without a link because of a few minor issues. It's unfortunate that one person already passed away longing for such a meeting.....I'm glad things have changed :)

Second chances - update

Okay so I did agree to the second chance I had mentioned earlier. It started off with just a phone call....I couldn't even remember the voice at the other end of the line since it's been 23 years since I last heard it. Yes there were awkward silences....points where no one really knew what to say but all in all.....it was pleasant. I know it'll be hard for people to understand but I felt reconnected to an era I felt was long gone. And yes I do believe I will meet.....because if this is one of the last opportunities I may have then I cannot bear to let her go in such a way. I do strongly believe that time heals all wounds and decreases the intensity of all issues....other people in the family though would not agree with this. But then again, this is something I am doing for me....not for everyone else.

Second chances

Do people deserve second chances? I've recently been approached by a family member....one I haven't seen in 23 years. Things happened.....fights erupted....situations developed that drove the family apart and thus ensued a long period where seeds of hatred and resentment were planted into all of us about this person. I don't know how much of it is true and how much was exaggerated for effect....I know there exists the tendency to exaggerate in the people who told me these stories.

This person is frail now....in all likelihood this person does not have too long left and wants to see me. I know that the burden of blame lies right on this person but here now at the end if she's asking for forgiveness then what right do I have to deny it? There has already been one person who passed away asking for forgiveness that was not given.....it wasn't my decision back then and neither was I aware of the request....I do feel bad about that now that I know.

I'm really not sure what to do here.....should I agree?

Pressure escapes

Somehow I always find peace when listening to "you look so fine"....it's an old song by garbage. Reminds me a lot of my school days...music was so much better then....life was so much easier then. You may say I live in the past a lot but what choice do I have when the present is really difficult? It's not that I want to be in a different place....it's just that I use those memories to help myself cope with the pressures of today. It's not easy going through all that I have to on a day to day basis....I'm so hoping that eventually I find happiness.

Until then....."let's pretend, happy end" :)

Far away but near

I came across a box of my old stuff over the weekend....stuff from like 10+ years ago. These were things I kept during the time I was in school as reminders of important events or important people. Amongst the expected items of J and things from school I came across 3 pictures I had all but forgotten about. 3 pictures given to me by a person who at one point was quite special. So this post is dedicated to you KL....to all the wonderful memories we shared....all the wonderful times we had. I'm sorry to say that I lost track of you over the years.....things move so quickly that sometimes we tend to forget those who are part of our lives. I have no idea where you must be right now....or what you're up to. I do hope you remembered me over the years....and that the memories brought a smile to your face as they did to mine. Thanks for everything K....I will never forget :)