Happiness without pills

So just when you think that you've become fate's punching bag.....things start to turn so much better :) i can honestly say that I've been at a little peace for the last few days. It's a very strange thing that I let down my walls for someone so soon but it just feels so comfortable to let this person in....all the way in. Ofcourse there's a lot of fear....fear of repeating the mistakes made before....fear of basically all the unknowns.

For now, things are seemingly moving along quite well. I'm hesitant to place a tag on this and state what it is because of the fear but I so want to. I'm happy....without having to use any pills! That has to mean something :)

Like minded souls

So this weekend was unusual....unusual in the sense that I came across a very like minded soul....one who stands quite apart from anyone else I came across in so many aspects. Yet there are still so many questions and so many fears. I'm tempted to take the plunge but the fear is just too great at this point....fear of so many things. I took down a lot of the walls for you...in a remarkably short span of time but not all....I can't let them all down...not after all that happened. I so want to though....I so want you to be different....that's the issue though....am I rushing cos I want this so much? Am I making similar mistakes?

I suppose there's only one way to find out.....I'm not going to be sitting 10 years down the road wondering "what if?"

Wishing a memory

For 23 years now I've been saying this to your face in my memory only....when you were here, I can't really remember if I ever said it to you.

Happy Father's Day!! Wherever you are......I hope someday we will meet again. They say we are extremely alike...in looks, in mannerisms and in personalities.....I would've really liked to have known you.

Memories on tape

For some odd reason....I had a tune stuck in my head....one I couldn't place for a few days now. When I finally did I smiled...it was from a very old movie that I watched way back on tv....back when there was only a couple of hours of good television programming in the evenings. This was the time that everyone (kids) gathered around the tv and waited for re-runs of old sit coms, dramas and movies from decades ago.

The movie was 'bedknobs and broomsticks'....a movie from the 70s and based on magic and adventure. Not an epic movie but one that was perhaps part of everyone's childhood who was part of the generation I grew up in here in this city. It made me smile :) I remember the pure childhood simplicity of life back then......I miss it....

Resurfacing faces

I had a dream of a very old friend last night.....a friend who passed away around 10 years ago. She was full of life and energy at all times. She was born into unusual circumstances and a lifestyle different from what most kids are used to....at a young age she was exposed to the harshness of life and the cruel realities that some of us never have to encounter. Was it her fate to be exposed to all this just because she was born into that family? I think it was unfair that she was bound to go through all that because of the family she was in.....she never chose to be part of that family.

The dream was a simple one....I was out shopping with her and she kept rambling about something important that she had to tell me.....just a collage of strange shops that we were visiting and buying random stuff from. Frankly it made no sense but it reminded me of her. I'm sorry to say that her memory had slipped to the back of my mind after all these years.

When she died she had been pushed into a world that she tried so hard to avoid....one that her family had not intended for her to avoid.....I can't even remember the last conversation we had.....I do remember the laughter full of life though :) I miss you T!

Farewell to a friend

This is dedicated to my friend FM....a kind and gentle soul who passed away recently. I didn't know him for too long....just a little over 2 years now but in that time I had come to know him as a caring, generous and kind hearted individual who never shrunk from helping out others. It's sad when people die young and leave behind so many unfulfilled dreams and aspirations. It's even sadder that the last months of their lives are spent in pain and misery.I will always remember the last time we met....completely coincidental and and unexpected....despite the severe weakened state you were in you did your very best to put on a smile and shake my hand the way you always did with vigour and energy.

I will miss you FM...every morning I pass by your room and remember the morning tea we had...being the first ones there so early. Thank you for being a friend...thank you for going out of your way that one time to get me that movie...one that will always remind me of you when I watch it. Rest in peace my friend....

Recurrence

For many years now I've been having this recurring dream....a dream that i can make no sense of but it just keeps repeating on and on. I can clearly remember having this for something like 10 years now.

It starts out with me waking up from a semi sleep state...I'm in a car sitting on the passenger side. I can make out the scenery around me...it's a lot of green rolling countryside and the road is a dark line that cuts across the greenery as far as I can see ahead. The weather is amazing....I can feel a light cold breeze around me and it's all cloudy but not raining. I then start to turn my head to the side to see who the driver is....I can see hands on the steering wheel....the person driving is female....she's wearing a yellow t-shirt and I can make some grey design on the shirt. I turn further to see who she is....I'm almost about to see the face and then I wake up.

This is what I have been seeing all these years...I don't know what it means....I hate the fact that I've never been able to see her face.

Diversions

I feel like a zombie nowadays.....don't get enough sleep at all and work has turned into a blur of activities that blend into eachother...sometimes so much that I can't even recall fully what I did throughout the day. The tingling in my head refuses to go away no matter how many pills I take. I've never before thought that I'm pushing myself too far but this time I'm pretty convinced that I am. Let's see how much further I can push it though....it's all that keeps me from thinking about the utter mess that I'm into when I'm at home.

And as for the emotional blackmail drama.....it's really diminished any lingering emotional attachment for me. It's now just that I don't care anymore.....I can't....not after all the stuff that I've seen you do and say.