Lost road

There was a road....leading up to the sea. A dirt road....very quiet, cut off and not one that many people knew about. It formed a very small natural pier onto the water....it was a beautiful little spot. We went there so many times back then....just to talk...stare out into the unending sea and just wonder what the future held. It was a place where I was at peace...content...happy.

There's a building now on the spot where we used to find our little piece of heaven....a building....construction crews and equipment. The road itself is gone and one can hardly know of what it once was unless you went there yourself. I often pass by that road....I often think of the times spent there. I wonder if you remember or recognize it when you pass by this place. In my heart I hope you do....what I wouldn't give to have another day there with you

Bigger walls

What is it that you fear most? Inane things such as the dark, spiders, reptiles, rejection....? These are all things that can be overcome. The problematic fears are the ones that you cannot overcome by realizing that they cannot harm you. These are the ones you lock away in the back of your mind and fight with everyday.

It took me quite a while to realize that my fear is the fear of being alone....because every person who I've got close to an extent of trusting them with everything has walked away eventually. I fear this at the start of every friendship and relationship. You form a dependance on the person and then that person walks away and you're left with nothing but a feeling of loneliness and you go back to building the walls higher and thicker so that the next time it'll be harder to let anyone in. But I guess I never learn......

Selfish wishes

Is it wrong to not care about the lives of the other 200 people when you wish your plane doesn't get back to ground safely? I suppose so.....

You hear of all these incidents and you wonder why you couldn't be in one of them.....perhaps that's not fate's design for now. Wishes go unanswered and then I'm back to face the dread of reality

Lost possibilities

So I got the chance to go to my university again after so many years.....it was an alumni interview thing which was great but what felt so strange was being back there. The memories of every part of that building came flooding back suddenly and I can honestly say I was lost in them for quite a while....a part of me is still lost in them right now......lost in the possibilities that could have been. You don't realize the impact of the decisions you make at times until years later....until its well beyond being too late...all you're left with then is what if?

If I had the chance to do some things all over again....I would change quite a lot I suppose. But that world doesn't exist....you don't get a rewind button in life. But honestly it would be so great if you did have a rewind button.

Ignored screams

What do you do when the voice inside your head keeps telling you to wake up and face reality but the rest of you just keeps telling you to go on pretending like everything's okay? The voice inside your head keeps getting louder and louder....it turns into a scream even.....but hope is a powerful and foolish thing and it keeps you from listening to the screams.....they go ignored. Perhaps to the point where it becomes too late.....

Dreary

This is the weather forecast given on my phone today....quite spot on actually. I don't mean the weather....just the general mood I find myself in. People I meet from years ago have had so much happen in their lives - personal lives - and they all have endless stories to tell me. Frankly I still feel my personal life stopped years ago and what I have now is just hopping from one to the next finding temporary comfort. I suppose that's all I'm looking for....temporary comfort. This isn't what life is supposed to be like though.....I know there needs to be more than just temporary comfort.

Why do old people make me sad? I really don't understand this.....it's been going on for a while now and I've tried to think of any reason that could possibly be making me feel this way.....but I can't put my finger on it. I keep getting these phases of sadness from time to time....it's really very strange. Is this the onset of a bigger depression phase? Am I slowly moving myself closer to the mouth of the abyss again? Hope not.....but only time will tell....

Overwhelmed

It's that time again....time when I feel overwhelmed....staying up till the early hours of the morning....watching the break of dawn. It's like a cycle, I come back to this place every few years and start wondering which direction I can turn my life towards so that maybe things can at one point hopefully get better and I find some of the happiness I now vaguely remember having once. That point is there in my dreams....I try my best to grasp at it but even there I fail. maybe that happiness is just meant to stay out of reach now. If so, even if I believe so....then what hope is left?

What is life now? A day to day crawl....trying to just make it through the day without having to face the fact that everything you once thought of is now slowly becoming out of reach? I don't like being sad....I put on the fake plastic smile for the fake plastic groups I see daily but for how long? If there's a test in all this.....a test of faith.....then this test has run far too long. Everybody deserves to be let out of the test room eventually.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2v8Ms5lG9X8