Sometimes I'm confused whether I'd want a rewind button in my life or a fast forward button........

Memory lane

Almost 24 years now and I still can't accept it....it was unfair...it is unfair. I know that until I accept it I cannot avoid tearing up whenever I think of that day.

But how do you accept something that you don't even want to bring to the front of your mind....its back there locked away...sneaking out in dreams and in moments of uncontrollable nostalgia. The moments you drive by a street where we lived long ago...the park where he would take me....the place to get ice cream... there are way too many memory triggers. I can't control them....I can't control the resurgence of those memories and of the feeling of being deprived.....

Wanderer

I wake up everyday thinking that perhaps today will be a day when I don't go through the same rollercoaster that I did before....it never really changes though. There's too many mixed emotions now....anger, fear, sadness....too much of these infact. I am caught in between responsibility and the need to shun everything and everyone and just wander.

I feel like I am intrinsically a wanderer; I cannot settle in a situation for too long and I seek escape. This doesn't bode well for hopes of a normal life but I guess that hope never really existed in too much quantity. Most deams I have are about running.....running through a vast openess....it is there where I am happy and at ease.

Out of place

What does it mean when you feel out of place around people who are happy? Faking a plastic smile and the laugh and the conversation isn't tough....it's the time when everyone else leaves and you're alone and you ask yourself "why am I this way?"

Emptiness

Sometimes you want to write down so much....so much that is constantly being said in your head in voices that you do not recognize....but when you look at the page all you can churn out is emptiness.....

Unease

Another week of travelling....another week of spending nights in different hotels.....all the new faces I meet get mixed into a blur...the new names are lost in a sea of anonymity. I feel restless and lost most of the time....I feel like I haven't found my purpose as yet. I had thought so many years ago that I had it figured out and that I would find my purpose and my path....that was supposed to happen many years ago but now I realize that its a far off prospect for the moment. I don't like this feeling of uncertainty...this feeling of unease.....this is not where I wanted to be.

A strong connection

Everytime I go to Lahore, I feel connected to my past...my family's past...especially when I go to the old house. Its hard to describe how exactly I feel but the connection is extremely strong...it's as if I belong there. Being compared to ones great grandfather is quite an unusual thing....not having ever met him but just having heard stories. You wonder then about the similarities....perhaps the events in life will be similar too....thats both a good and a bad thing if it is infact true.

Envy

I am envious at times of people who I see as visibly happy and content. I am not naive enough to believe that they won't have any issues but on the face of it they seem to be content. I yearn to be content....I'm not saying that I'm ungrateful for what I have. Far from it! I realize I have been privileged enough to have a lot of things that others have not....to have had experiences that others have not. I just wish that I could get things to work out the way I had thought of so many years ago. The day I made that first compromise is when everything changed. That is the one day I would take back and change......I'd give anything for that chance.

At the end of the day, you need to understand that no one really cares as much as they say they do....

Silent comfort

There is a comfort in silence....a comfort you don't find anywhere else.