Futile advice

"Don't lose out on your individuality and personality" is what they all say.....

How do I hold on to something which I'm sure I lost ages ago? I molded and reshaped myself so many times that the point where I started out from is nothing but a hazy distant past....not even a memory now.

Usinsk

Not many people know of this little town....it's not a place that has ever had anything that stands out....except for one. For me, this place is important...the place you were from. It's amazing how 2 people from such far away places had their paths cross so many years ago, albeit for a very short time. But it made an everlasting impact for sure. We drifted and eventually lost all contact but I will always remember the gift I got from this little town up there in the wilderness.

25 years is a long time....or is it

A quarter of a century is a long time....long enough, many would say to overcome the harshest of memories and face the toughest of realities. They say 25 years is enough to forget most things...to let memories fade....but from the way I feel none of this is true.

25 years on and I still remember each and every detail like it was yesterday. The shock, the breakdown, the sadness. So much has changed but not the way I feel about this day. Confusion, anger, denial, fear....all dark feelings. I wonder at times whether this will ever change....judging by what's happened so far it seems tough that it will.

I don't know how to express myself much on this subject....I've never really dealt with it. The way I was brought up we were taught to store away these thoughts and feelings...am I now expected to let them out?

Lost spontaneity

No matter how much you try to run from it, eventually you have to realize that you cannot take the wild decisions you did a few years back. There are now consequences to think of....other people to think of. You cannot be spontaneous anymore....everything needs to be planned.

Swayed

Sometimes its things that you always thought you wouldn't care for that sway your mind and make you believe. As I enter yet another phase, there's fear and worrying for sure but also hope.

Unwritten messages

I begin to write a message to you...it's been years...perhaps even a decade now since we last spoke. I just don't even know where to start. From the pictures I see, it seems like the exact life you had pictured so many years ago...

Reminders of weaknesses

Well hello again my guilty pleasure...its been a while but no matter how much I try I can't get away from you. You sneak back into my life again and again and pull me away from the normality I crave for. I wonder what it'll take for me to finally pull away from you....I've been trying for years now but nothing works. Every time I think I'm out you descend on me and remind me that I have no control over you.

Give in...but not too often

Temptation is a horrible thing to fight....eventually I know I give in...its something I've been through before and I know my weaknesses. The trick is to not let it win too often.

Overt subtlety

Don't you love to see people trying their best to be subtle but at the same time trying hard not to let their point be missed :) I call it overt subtlety and I love playing along like I don't get it....playing along to the point where they have to throw subtlety out the window and finally be open :)

Averse to change

I am not the sort you can change easy....trying overtly would only make me begin to hide myself back behind the walls I built over years.

Familiar fear

This fear is familiar....it seems not so long ago that I experienced this fear and here I am yet again. Last time the fear was well justified...this time, there's strong hope that the fear would be baseless.

Past or future

What is more important? Expectations of the past or expectations of the future? When you are caught between picking one of them how do you justify your decision?

New money......

New money, no matter how much of it you get, will never be able to buy you class

Stolen path

Question.....if there had been a miscarriage before you were born, does that mean you share a spirit or that you're walking a stolen path? I've wondered this for a long time now....does this explain some of the things I've been through in the middle of the night?

Photo comments

A simple comment left on a picture.....

"when ever I look at your photo it reminds me of my best friend Your father."

Sets me off on a rollercoaster of emotions.......

I wish I could've gotten to know you....you sound like you were a great person to know

Found....perhaps

After all this time, I may have finally found the acceptance that I had been craving for. Let's see......

Hidden face

No matter how carefully and skillfully you try to hide your true self, it will eventually sneak through to the surface. You're not that good at it....you haven't been doing it long enough to be that good at it. I'm glad I saw it in time......

Smooth turn

And so life takes another turn....a decision I thought would take months just kinda happened in weeks....fingers crossed!

Simplify

Maybe the trick is to stop looking for complications

Choice

At times it is the abundance of choice that makes it impossible to make a choice. With me, in such situations, I normally end up driven away from all since no one choice seems to be the clear one.

Wrong goals

I finally realize after over 7 years that the thing I had been chasing after, the professional achievement, the career growth etc are in no way enough to make up for the rest of what a life should be.

I've been running after the wrong goals for so long now....I don't know if I can turn myself back now and try to make up for what I lost.

Goodbye Goldfinger

It was almost 10 years ago that you were brought to our home by your mother....she carried you in her mouth and put you down at the door before she came in to get some food. You kept screaming and trying to get attention until I opened the door and you had this look of fear that was so adorable. You soon became the most amazing cat I had ever had...extremely playful as a kitten, jumping around all over the house. You hated going out at first but then as you grew you couldnt get enough of it. You would always come back and act like a little kitten when you got hurt. I loved the way you would just put your head on my foot and act like you were so at peace :)

I loved the way you would get angry with everyone else at home when you didn't get exactly what you wanted and then came to me for sympathy.

The last time I was back home I remember how you ran to me leaving food and everything else and you just lay down again with your head on my foot as always and refused to let me go.

You haven't been seen in more than a week now....you were old...I suppose it was inevitable. I feel sad....I was really looking forward to seeing you when I went back home in a few days now.

Thank you for all the great times Goldfinger :) you will always be missed. Good bye

Turbulence

Turbulence is always a constant....it hits you at the times when you least expect but its like a constant reminder of how easy well laid out plans can be wasted. People come and go....this will always be the case in life....some leave an immeasurable impact that cannot be removed in any way. While on the surface things may seem temporary...there's a different story underneath it all.

Grey

I went to a concert this weekend....same band I had seen 16 years ago. While the entire experience was amazing in its way I also realized something else...something that made me thankful. 16 years ago I was driven to the venue by my brother in law who was living in a different country and I wondered if I would ever be in his shoes....this time I drove some friends down myself while living in a new place, a new home...I realized then that while I have had issues and obstacles during the way, things have turned out good in some aspects for sure. I am happy in my life here....there is something missing for sure but that has always been the case for me...perhaps that isn't meant to be for now....who knows....but for all that has worked out so well I am thankful

Complicated Choices

Do you give up on something that could be good just because of the awkwardness it will lead to and the difficult questions that will arise. People will talk...they always talk...for some reason they've always talked about me no matter what is going on in my life so should I just accept that as something that will happen and say to hell with them I'll do what I want.....I am tempted to. It's what I have done everytime a tough situation has come up so why should this time be any different? Maybe because every last time has not really ended well....or am I now just being paranoid. I'm still not sure how this will play out and where I will set my mind....

Connections

Whenever I miss home I find myself going onto google maps and zooming straight down to my house back home and just stare blankly at it for some time. It may seem very stupid to most but at some level it makes me feel connected back home....to my house...to my family....and knowing I'm not headed back anytime soon makes it all flood in stronger. I remember my routine...I remember my circle....things are different here...better in most cases but not the same ofcourse.

A life not normal

"Who else do you know is living the way we are?" - a question asked by a close friend....a question that took way too long to answer and we both knew it didn't bode well for the path we've both chosen. I still can't think of someone...are we really that far from normal? Is it even possible to come back when you've gone so far out?......

A mix

When you think of all the days gone by....what do you remember? Do you think of the fun filled days with family / friends where life seemed full of joy and full of hope or do you think of the days that left you wondering how much more you could take? Perhaps it's a mixture of both that comes to everyone's mind....for life is a mixture of both these types of moments. And now that you find yourself so far away from where you had imagined....it's just these memories that you hold on to when you're all by yourself and these memories that flood into your mind when you least want them to. It's not easy coping with the fact that you are now living with what you once feared the most.....being alone. The only thing keeping you sane is what's not good for you.

Stopping point

Please don't misinterpret my questioning for being thankless. I am thankful for all the changes I have had in the last 1 year but regarding one aspect of my life, I just wonder how long I have to go through turmoil. It seems endless but there has to be a point where it stops....I can't believe that such a point doesn't exist. I guess all I can do is wander around till I find that stopping point.

Head in the ground

So is it really okay to just feel good and live in the present and not think of the future at all? Even though we know the future holds nothing in store and that this present will last only for some time. Is happiness worth it if you find it while sticking your head in the ground.....

Consequences

So what do you do when you face a choice that goes in the exact opposite direction of what it is that everyone else is hoping of you. There are so many things to consider here....so many consequences.....what is it with happiness.....for a while now it doesn't seem to come without any consequences. I want to believe that there are no consequences and life will maybe let me off a little easy this time.....

Perspectives

It's so simple for them to see their own mistakes being made by others and the ramifications of those mistakes. But when it comes to their own behavior and expectations....they are simply blind :(

Homebound

Home again after a long time....seems like ages since I've been here. I've started to not think of this city as my home...never thought it'd take only 6 months for me to settle in the new place. But despite all that, I miss all the little things here...big things ofcourse but the little things too :)

Explore

I think the best trips are the ones where you have no plan and you just go and explore! I had that sort of a day today....drove to a different city....got there and realized we didn't really know what there was to do there so just explored :) It was a great day!

I think I thought I saw you try.......

Relatively better traits

I was convinced that there was a tendency in me that was despicable and could have quite easily have been called cold....then I came across a person who made me realize just how far away I was from both those things. I suppose in this case, I was harder on myself than I ought to have been. Or maybe my self judgement was fine and some people are just too far gone to ever be brought back.....that is the point I need to be weary of.

Course correction

When you have digressed so far away from where you wanted to be that the original path seems faded and blurry....you know you need a drastic shift to get back on the right path. I feel like I'm at that point now where if I don't course correct, I will head towards a place I don't want to be...a place that may seem fun for now but has no future

Redux

So I suppose fate is not yet done using me as a punching bag......this seems so familiar....

I wonder when I'll be done with repeating the same cycles of life and finally being out of a constant mess.....I'm so tired of it all now

Dark hearted

It's been ages now yet I still find my thoughts turn to you at times. Like a bad habit...a guilty pleasure...a dark secret that somehow brings me a thrill. The song during that movie....whenever it plays I remember each moment...I admit it was a horrid mistake but a mistake that is burnt into my memory and refuses to give up its afterglow. That was 3 years ago now....but its still as vivid now as it was on the next day.

It was not meant to be....maybe that's a good thing....for no matter how it went...we are both dark hearted souls with a strong touch of evil. If you feel I wronged you then you did the very same to me....does that make us even? Shouldn't I then not think of it at all?