Drowning

 Sometimes it feels like I'm drowning under incessant waves - that's how best I can describe my state of mind most of these days. I do feel that my tendency to keep going forward regardless of the situation makes things worse as I keep piling on pressure. Pressure that inevitably needs to be released sometime; unfortunately I don't know how to reduce this buildup. 

I used to be able to deal with this kind of stress before or is it that I don't realise that the type or amount has changed over the years? 

The only time my mind is at peace is when I run, it's the most amazing feeling! I suppose in a way the running is keeping me sane. Otherwise, there is a lot of anger being built up, a lot of irritability....a lot of negativity.

I won't give up, I can't! I've come too far to give up now and I have the futures of 2 other people dependent on me so I must beat on...boats against the current.

Endless march

 Time keeps moving on, never slows, never ceases. In the blink of an eye, old worries are replaced by new ones, old fears by new ones. Priorities which once seemed so essential now seem trivial because they have been replaced by new ones. There are some who stay glued to the past, try to cover their eyes to the new realities but they are fighting a losing battle.

I find myself torn between trying to focus on what is now important for the future and trying to explain the reality to those who refuse to acknowledge these basic facts. Does it make me a bad person if I focus on the future and to the futures of those who need my help given they are at a nascent stage of their lives? I don't think so, but then again, I know I am shifting priorities from people who used to have all my priority at one point. How does one deal with this well? I don't think I have an answer and I don't think I'll find any answers but I will try to do my best to be what I always strive to be....a good person.

Another milestone

They say 40 is a milestone and that it takes you into a different phase of life. So far, I've felt no different; the dat started as any other Monday - gym, school run, work. I suppose over time, I've realised that to me, a birthday is just another day. I did enjoy the brief moment we had over lunch, these are rare moments now so definitely need to savour them.

I can't remember when I stopped feeling anything special about my birthday but it's been there for a while. This is something I strive hard to never let my kids feel the same about. I suppose in a way, I want them to be the opposite of myself so that they can have a normal and happy life. I suppose that's my wish for this one, to make sure I am able to give them the best of everything and keep them away from every struggle I've had to go through.

Run

 I've started running again after a long break and trying out different exercises. For some reason running seems to be the most relaxing form of exercise I have come across. Does that say something about my state of mind? That it's never at peace, always running, always rushing?