One phone call

It's been a year now, a year since I got the call telling me something I had never imagined. I remember I was in a meeting so I declined and then called back later when my aunt told me of the diagnosis. It was followed by shock, total disbelief and perhaps a bit of anger. That moment changed a lot and the next 2 months were the toughest I have ever been through. Maintaining strength for her while screaming inside about what was inevitably going to happen. I never started that day a year ago thinking of how different things were going to be then.

But time moves on, life moves on. Whatever connections I had to that city started to fade after her passing. I don't feel a connection there anymore, even though I still have relatives there, it's not the same anymore. I will probably need to go in a few months for a family event. I don't even know how I would go back into that house, that house that is now so empty.

Gradual decline

We started out as 5, that was before he passed away. Then for a long time we were 4; we were initially close but over time it faded and while it was me and my mother who remained closest, my sisters were there in some way so we were still together in some way.

After my mother passed, we were 3 for only a few weeks, a few short weeks later we were all separate then. I'm not sad, I'm just surprised that it was in the end her passing that just broke all the bonds that existed. 

Continues

It's been a while now but perhaps not long enough. I suppose there is no time long enough to lessen the constant reminders I still get. Small things, small occurrences take me back to happier times with her. There are so many reminders of past happy times, times that seem so long ago. I will always question whether I ever did enough especially near the end. Yes, I changed a lot once I knew of the situation but what about before that? I own up to it, I was not good to her, I left her alone. This will eat at me forever.

Fading with time

I miss my mother quite a lot. I haven't said that out loud before but now that I write it, it made me pause and realise that it's coming up to 6 months soon. Sometimes on Sundays, I forget and think of when when she would message me asking me to call her. I never treasured those calls when she was alive but now I yearn for them.

She would not be happy seeing how everything she built is falling apart, all the bonds are loosening and disappearing with petty disputes. I now realise the amazing ability she had where she had bound the entire family together all these years. Now, it's all fading.

Perhaps not prudent

They say I should put aside any grievances and make an effort to reestablish a connection with a certain person. Most people think this is the right thing to do, the logical thing to do...perhaps even the prudent thing to do. But there's just one question that comes to my head when I think of this person....."How did you expect me to ever take life away from the person who gave it to me in the first place?" Even if the last few weeks were tough and not pleasant, she finished her time in the manner it was written and not by someone else's choice. 

It was 3 days before my birthday when this person asked me to consider euthanasia; consider is a small word for the pressure I was put under. There was never a good time to push me to consider it but this was especially the worst possible time to bring it up.  If nothing else, I will always remember that my birthday cake was the last one she ever had. Call me strange but that means something to me.

So, no matter what everyone thinks is the more sensible thing to do, I will stick to my emotions and to my morals here.

Proud

I've always believed that dreams are a portal to something else....this got exemplified in a strong way last night.

I was in my car going to work, my mother was sat next to me in the back, it was the building of the office I started out my career in but I looked like I do now, not as I did 18 years ago. As the car stopped, she leaned over to hug me and kissed me on my forehead. She said, all the best, I am very proud of you. Her radiant smile was there. I got out of the car and walked towards the entrance, as I looked back, she was still in the car waving at me with a look of pride on her face. That's when I woke up.

Tomorrow, as I start my new role at work, this is so pertinent. She was always so proud of my work accomplishments....perhaps the one who was always the proudest. The last time I got promoted, she called people at midnight to let them know. She would have done the same now.....she would have been so proud.

Morbid competition

Everyone claims to have been hit the hardest by this....it's like a morbid competition I suppose. Nobody really thinks of how for 36 years, she was the only family I had. 

Yes, time is moving on....3 months have passed but hardly a day goes by where I don't miss her.

Lost

You never truly realise a mother's love until it's taken away from you. The realisation that it's now lost forever hits you like a freight train and the pain doesn't go away.

Solitary grief

When does the grief hit you? It hits me when I'm alone and have no choice but to think. Most often on a plane going somewhere.....

It's then that I remember everything...my childhood, growing up....moving away but still staying in touch....the last few months....the last few days...the last few hours and then the last few minutes. The ending does not leave my mind. I've seen a lot of death but never has it lingered in my mind for so long. That last breath still echoes in my mind with painful detail. 

Modest

 It was a modest household....no lavishness...no luxuries as such....but it was a good home. I had to learn very quickly to entertain myself during the day and most of the week as my mother worked late. It wasn't a bad home though, the 2 of us made our routine in a way that when she was free, we spent every moment together. Whether it was going out for a walk to the park or watching some of our favourite tv shows or movies, we spent all the time available to us together.

I suppose this is what most don't understand about my loss. My sisters were away then...busy with their own lives...but I grew up with my mother only after my father was gone. This is perhaps why the loss hits me so hard now. I suppose I never thought of a world without her around because when I was alone, she was all I had and I grew to rely on her presence. 

The smallest things now make me remember and at times I go silent in thoughts of times gone by. It was a simple household, tough at times but her courage and resilience made it a good home. All that has disappeared now and it hasn't even been a full 2 months yet.

Nostalgic shows

A few days ago, I found a tv show which many years ago I used to watch weekly with my mother. She was a big fan and would always plan things around it so the 2 of us could sit and watch together. This was back in the 90s so going back quite some time now.

I watched the show with my son this time around and it felt really nice. I did think of her all throughout the show and remembered the snacks she would make for me and all the conversations we would have about the show as we watched it. It was a beautiful memory but also a reminder of all that I've lost now. It's hard to believe that the next time I go back, she won't be there to hug me and welcome me back.

Lack of understanding

When I was a small boy, I used to love coming to hotels for meals and be fascinated by the people who were staying there for work. I used to wonder what they did and where they came from. 

Many years later, as I sit in a hotel in a city thousands of miles away from home, I wonder if there's anyone looking and wondering where I'm from, where I'm going and how I'm doing. 

The answer to the last question is, I'm not doing well. In addition to everything that I've been through, there also seems to be a lack of understanding from some people of the ordeal I have gone through. There are those consoling eachother for the terrible ordeal they have gone through and I don't doubt that they did but they ask me to be considerate of them while forgetting that I was there when they were not. I was there for all those years....yes perhaps I could have been better and more supportive but atleast I never abandoned her like some.

It's hard

I can't believe it's only been a month! It seems so much longer now that she's been gone but yes it's only been a month. Every day something small will remind me of the void she has left in all our lives...every day I find something that makes me miss her and regret all the times I wasted not being close to her.

I carry my own mementos....I took her phone with me because of pure practicality reasons but every day I open it and go through all the pictures and all the videos she saved. I can still smell her on that phone but it's fading...soon another memory trigger will be gone.

Perhaps dealing with all this is best described by someone who said to me "it's hard"..........

Place to rest

Life keeps moving forward and we get caught up in the day to day. The same old routine, the same old tasks they slowly lessen the amount of time you spend thinking about your loss. But then there will be a word, an image, a thought that just takes you right back and you feel just how big this loss is. 

Her grave got finished yesterday and when seeing the pictures I thought perhaps only in death was I able to give her a good place to rest. There wasn't much else I did for her to make her life comfortable during all the years she struggled.

Changed image

So I found myself back in that building again....the one with endless corridors, doors that open to more corridors and people with generic and unremarkable faces. I was agitated, I was trying again to find a way out of it but no matter where I turned or what door I opened, I ended up anywhere but outside. I did manage to look out a window as I normally do and instead of the usual image I always saw, I now saw them both outside. They looked like they did in the old pictures I found of them from when I was very small. They were looking up towards the window I was at and they waved. They both seemed to be smiling as they looked up. I tried my best to open the window to atleast speak to them but it did not move. I ran out the room and ran through more doors and corridors to find an exit but it was all shattered by the alarm going off.

While I woke up extremely sad....perhaps this is a sign that atleast in whatever is there after this life, they have found eachother and that they are happy. She had said a few weeks before passing to one of her sisters that she's now spent 35 years without him and that it seems enough now and she wanted to be with him again.....I suppose she got her wish. 

Memories remain

That sound of agonal gasps, the coldness of her hands and feet, that last breath that seemed to be deeper and then just paused.....none of these leave my thoughts. 

Every morning I wake up and check my phone out of habit but that message isn't there anymore.

Life moves on, everyone moves on but the memories remain to haunt you forever. I know I should think of the happier times but somehow my thoughts go back to that night and also to all the things I should have done and said when there was time to say them. I maintained a persona of strength and emotionlessness and then when I did tell her how much she had meant to me I think she never heard me.

Drowning in depths

I don't really know how to describe this feeling....a sense of emptiness...a sense of loss....a sense of sadness. As time goes on slowly, I think the realisation kicks in a bit more every day and the sense of loss grows. I am reminded again and again of the fact that she isn't there anymore and I have no parents now. Just writing that made me pause.....it is a strong statement and a very strong emotional connotation. 

I don't really know how to cope with this loss....I'm not saying that I am unable to function but rather things move on as they will but inside I feel like a part of my life is missing. I suppose even though I was thousands of miles away from her, I always felt that she was around to care for me and to love me. It's that feeling that seems to be a black hole now. In moments of being alone I still do break down....I still remember that moment....it's haunting.

Fading household

It's sad to see that the household she had built around her is collapsing now without her. She put her heart and soul into it for over 20 years and ran it well. It may not have been opulent or extravagant but it was loving and caring. 

In just a week of her passing, it's all coming apart at the seams and no-one understands how she ran it all so effortlessly. For over 20 years, everyone including me found faults in one thing or the other not realising what a mammoth task she was managing all by herself. We now reminisce about those days, knowing full well they can never be returned or even replicated. That feeling of warmth is gone and it all feels empty.

Not so regular anymore

It's when you do the regular things that you realise how different they are now. Sundays without having had a call with her.....travelling without having her excited about where you're going.....even things like not having a draw to the house that was ours. Perhaps it will take a lot more time to get accustomed to this new life...a life where I feel I don't have her around to want the best for me and to see me happy. I know she was happy with me but in my heart I know I never did enough to repay all she did for me......this will haunt me forever,

Immune to time

There's  no point of trying to rely on the passage of time to reduce the pain. There are some things that do not reduce in intensity even after years - this is one of them. It's not that I don't accept this, I do....I knew all along that this was coming and it happened in a way that involved me so deeply that acceptance is not in question. I suppose what haunts me is how blind I had been to the attitude I had towards her over all these years. I never realised that once she was gone I would even miss the forwarded messages every morning. 

I am sad that she never got to see my home, she never got to have a comfortable life. I know she would say she had it but I could have done more. All of that is just castles in the sky now. I've said it before and I stand by it, the most haunting words in our language are: "What IF"

Time stood still

I go over those last 20 minutes over and over in my head. I knew what was coming and I knew all that I had to do. I had lost her radial pulse some time back and could feel her hands and feet go cold. I could then see very little blood pressure on the device and no pulse being registered elsewhere so I knew it was imminent. But when it did happen, it was like everything stood still. Then it was like an out of body experience, I could see myself do all the things I was doing, say all the things to others but it felt like I was stood in another part of the room watching myself from afar. 

It happened in the most peaceful manner, she had a tough few months but that last night she passed on her own bed surrounded and held by all those who loved her. For some reason when I close my eyes now, I don't see her as she was at the end but I see her as she was years ago....healthy, happy, lively.

Her life had been a good one which had turned tough suddenly and then for the last 35 years she struggled to raise me in the best way she could. This haunts me.....she did so much for me and I feel I did absolutely nothing.

When it was all over and everyone was out of the room, I stayed with her, I hugged her and kissed her goodbye...I told her I loved her but ofcourse heard nothing back. I'd like to think she heard me and I 'd like to think she is happy and at peace now. 

It's now the little things that make me break down....the messages she forwarded to me every morning....the Sunday calls....the constant checks on me when I was travelling to make sure I wasn't overworking and getting tired or sick....the stories she had....the love she had....

Mementos

It's amazing to see the things people have kept as mementos. In looking through her things, I found a letter from my sister to my mother from December 1995 kept so close to her everyday work area that she must have been reading it regularly. It took me back to those years, we were a family....broken due to his loss but still a family. Things changed so much after that, everyone drifted apart. I would like to think I didn't drift away, even though I physically did but emotionally and mentally I stayed with her. That's what I would like to think.....did she think that way? 

Always be dedicated

Even in this state she asks me if I'm missing work for her and to get back to doing my work. It's the unflinching resolve she always had to hard work and dedication to one's profession....even in this state she holds on to it strongly and dearly.

Harsh

It's not easy to see someone who has been independent for 35 years suddenly reliant on others for even the smallest things. Basic everyday life functions now require the help of others and you see this person go from being a strong independent personality to one that is a shell of their former self. Life is harsh....it can turn the tables on you in ways you can't ever expect. 

I spent 35 years of my life seeing my mother as a source of strength, she taught me the value of hard work and that you do whatever you can to try to improve the lives of those dependent on you. She gave up her life fully for me 35 years ago and there's no way I could ever repay that. When she held my hand and asked me to forgive her for being a bad mother, I couldn't hold on to the facade of strength but I couldn't let her see me break down. I did later on but not in front of her as I need to make sure she believes she raised a strong son.

I want to see her suffering end.....I don't know what that means or how that happens but I can't see her suffer.  

Slight calm

It's been a tough 6 days, the constant worry, the waiting, the anticipation and the fear. It's all taken a toll but I pulled her through it. I am exhausted, mentally and physically. Over the course of these 6 days, I have seen the true face of several people and been reacquainted with the panic and emotional instability of many others.

I know this is not a full recovery and I know the inevitable is not ages away but I will not give up on doing what I can to help her. It's the very least I can do.

Yearning to be again

The hand that held your hand to help you cross the street....you now feel it weak, cold, wrinkled, bruised.

The arm that held you tight when you were scared ....you now feel it weakened, drained, pale, fragile.

The face that smiled at you whenever you looked at it.....you see it covered in masks, tubes, paled.

You stand strong and take decisions that must be taken because only you can....only you should. You comfort everyone else, you maintain composure.

But when everyone leaves and you're on your own, it's so hard to not break down and yearn to be that kid in those arms again.