Drowning in depths

I don't really know how to describe this feeling....a sense of emptiness...a sense of loss....a sense of sadness. As time goes on slowly, I think the realisation kicks in a bit more every day and the sense of loss grows. I am reminded again and again of the fact that she isn't there anymore and I have no parents now. Just writing that made me pause.....it is a strong statement and a very strong emotional connotation. 

I don't really know how to cope with this loss....I'm not saying that I am unable to function but rather things move on as they will but inside I feel like a part of my life is missing. I suppose even though I was thousands of miles away from her, I always felt that she was around to care for me and to love me. It's that feeling that seems to be a black hole now. In moments of being alone I still do break down....I still remember that moment....it's haunting.

Fading household

It's sad to see that the household she had built around her is collapsing now without her. She put her heart and soul into it for over 20 years and ran it well. It may not have been opulent or extravagant but it was loving and caring. 

In just a week of her passing, it's all coming apart at the seams and no-one understands how she ran it all so effortlessly. For over 20 years, everyone including me found faults in one thing or the other not realising what a mammoth task she was managing all by herself. We now reminisce about those days, knowing full well they can never be returned or even replicated. That feeling of warmth is gone and it all feels empty.

Not so regular anymore

It's when you do the regular things that you realise how different they are now. Sundays without having had a call with her.....travelling without having her excited about where you're going.....even things like not having a draw to the house that was ours. Perhaps it will take a lot more time to get accustomed to this new life...a life where I feel I don't have her around to want the best for me and to see me happy. I know she was happy with me but in my heart I know I never did enough to repay all she did for me......this will haunt me forever,

Immune to time

There's  no point of trying to rely on the passage of time to reduce the pain. There are some things that do not reduce in intensity even after years - this is one of them. It's not that I don't accept this, I do....I knew all along that this was coming and it happened in a way that involved me so deeply that acceptance is not in question. I suppose what haunts me is how blind I had been to the attitude I had towards her over all these years. I never realised that once she was gone I would even miss the forwarded messages every morning. 

I am sad that she never got to see my home, she never got to have a comfortable life. I know she would say she had it but I could have done more. All of that is just castles in the sky now. I've said it before and I stand by it, the most haunting words in our language are: "What IF"

Time stood still

I go over those last 20 minutes over and over in my head. I knew what was coming and I knew all that I had to do. I had lost her radial pulse some time back and could feel her hands and feet go cold. I could then see very little blood pressure on the device and no pulse being registered elsewhere so I knew it was imminent. But when it did happen, it was like everything stood still. Then it was like an out of body experience, I could see myself do all the things I was doing, say all the things to others but it felt like I was stood in another part of the room watching myself from afar. 

It happened in the most peaceful manner, she had a tough few months but that last night she passed on her own bed surrounded and held by all those who loved her. For some reason when I close my eyes now, I don't see her as she was at the end but I see her as she was years ago....healthy, happy, lively.

Her life had been a good one which had turned tough suddenly and then for the last 35 years she struggled to raise me in the best way she could. This haunts me.....she did so much for me and I feel I did absolutely nothing.

When it was all over and everyone was out of the room, I stayed with her, I hugged her and kissed her goodbye...I told her I loved her but ofcourse heard nothing back. I'd like to think she heard me and I 'd like to think she is happy and at peace now. 

It's now the little things that make me break down....the messages she forwarded to me every morning....the Sunday calls....the constant checks on me when I was travelling to make sure I wasn't overworking and getting tired or sick....the stories she had....the love she had....

Mementos

It's amazing to see the things people have kept as mementos. In looking through her things, I found a letter from my sister to my mother from December 1995 kept so close to her everyday work area that she must have been reading it regularly. It took me back to those years, we were a family....broken due to his loss but still a family. Things changed so much after that, everyone drifted apart. I would like to think I didn't drift away, even though I physically did but emotionally and mentally I stayed with her. That's what I would like to think.....did she think that way? 

Always be dedicated

Even in this state she asks me if I'm missing work for her and to get back to doing my work. It's the unflinching resolve she always had to hard work and dedication to one's profession....even in this state she holds on to it strongly and dearly.

Harsh

It's not easy to see someone who has been independent for 35 years suddenly reliant on others for even the smallest things. Basic everyday life functions now require the help of others and you see this person go from being a strong independent personality to one that is a shell of their former self. Life is harsh....it can turn the tables on you in ways you can't ever expect. 

I spent 35 years of my life seeing my mother as a source of strength, she taught me the value of hard work and that you do whatever you can to try to improve the lives of those dependent on you. She gave up her life fully for me 35 years ago and there's no way I could ever repay that. When she held my hand and asked me to forgive her for being a bad mother, I couldn't hold on to the facade of strength but I couldn't let her see me break down. I did later on but not in front of her as I need to make sure she believes she raised a strong son.

I want to see her suffering end.....I don't know what that means or how that happens but I can't see her suffer.