Lack of understanding

When I was a small boy, I used to love coming to hotels for meals and be fascinated by the people who were staying there for work. I used to wonder what they did and where they came from. 

Many years later, as I sit in a hotel in a city thousands of miles away from home, I wonder if there's anyone looking and wondering where I'm from, where I'm going and how I'm doing. 

The answer to the last question is, I'm not doing well. In addition to everything that I've been through, there also seems to be a lack of understanding from some people of the ordeal I have gone through. There are those consoling eachother for the terrible ordeal they have gone through and I don't doubt that they did but they ask me to be considerate of them while forgetting that I was there when they were not. I was there for all those years....yes perhaps I could have been better and more supportive but atleast I never abandoned her like some.

It's hard

I can't believe it's only been a month! It seems so much longer now that she's been gone but yes it's only been a month. Every day something small will remind me of the void she has left in all our lives...every day I find something that makes me miss her and regret all the times I wasted not being close to her.

I carry my own mementos....I took her phone with me because of pure practicality reasons but every day I open it and go through all the pictures and all the videos she saved. I can still smell her on that phone but it's fading...soon another memory trigger will be gone.

Perhaps dealing with all this is best described by someone who said to me "it's hard"..........

Place to rest

Life keeps moving forward and we get caught up in the day to day. The same old routine, the same old tasks they slowly lessen the amount of time you spend thinking about your loss. But then there will be a word, an image, a thought that just takes you right back and you feel just how big this loss is. 

Her grave got finished yesterday and when seeing the pictures I thought perhaps only in death was I able to give her a good place to rest. There wasn't much else I did for her to make her life comfortable during all the years she struggled.

Changed image

So I found myself back in that building again....the one with endless corridors, doors that open to more corridors and people with generic and unremarkable faces. I was agitated, I was trying again to find a way out of it but no matter where I turned or what door I opened, I ended up anywhere but outside. I did manage to look out a window as I normally do and instead of the usual image I always saw, I now saw them both outside. They looked like they did in the old pictures I found of them from when I was very small. They were looking up towards the window I was at and they waved. They both seemed to be smiling as they looked up. I tried my best to open the window to atleast speak to them but it did not move. I ran out the room and ran through more doors and corridors to find an exit but it was all shattered by the alarm going off.

While I woke up extremely sad....perhaps this is a sign that atleast in whatever is there after this life, they have found eachother and that they are happy. She had said a few weeks before passing to one of her sisters that she's now spent 35 years without him and that it seems enough now and she wanted to be with him again.....I suppose she got her wish. 

Memories remain

That sound of agonal gasps, the coldness of her hands and feet, that last breath that seemed to be deeper and then just paused.....none of these leave my thoughts. 

Every morning I wake up and check my phone out of habit but that message isn't there anymore.

Life moves on, everyone moves on but the memories remain to haunt you forever. I know I should think of the happier times but somehow my thoughts go back to that night and also to all the things I should have done and said when there was time to say them. I maintained a persona of strength and emotionlessness and then when I did tell her how much she had meant to me I think she never heard me.