Solitary grief

When does the grief hit you? It hits me when I'm alone and have no choice but to think. Most often on a plane going somewhere.....

It's then that I remember everything...my childhood, growing up....moving away but still staying in touch....the last few months....the last few days...the last few hours and then the last few minutes. The ending does not leave my mind. I've seen a lot of death but never has it lingered in my mind for so long. That last breath still echoes in my mind with painful detail. 

Modest

 It was a modest household....no lavishness...no luxuries as such....but it was a good home. I had to learn very quickly to entertain myself during the day and most of the week as my mother worked late. It wasn't a bad home though, the 2 of us made our routine in a way that when she was free, we spent every moment together. Whether it was going out for a walk to the park or watching some of our favourite tv shows or movies, we spent all the time available to us together.

I suppose this is what most don't understand about my loss. My sisters were away then...busy with their own lives...but I grew up with my mother only after my father was gone. This is perhaps why the loss hits me so hard now. I suppose I never thought of a world without her around because when I was alone, she was all I had and I grew to rely on her presence. 

The smallest things now make me remember and at times I go silent in thoughts of times gone by. It was a simple household, tough at times but her courage and resilience made it a good home. All that has disappeared now and it hasn't even been a full 2 months yet.

Nostalgic shows

A few days ago, I found a tv show which many years ago I used to watch weekly with my mother. She was a big fan and would always plan things around it so the 2 of us could sit and watch together. This was back in the 90s so going back quite some time now.

I watched the show with my son this time around and it felt really nice. I did think of her all throughout the show and remembered the snacks she would make for me and all the conversations we would have about the show as we watched it. It was a beautiful memory but also a reminder of all that I've lost now. It's hard to believe that the next time I go back, she won't be there to hug me and welcome me back.