Eid Randomness

I'm not a big fan of the meat Eid....just overdone in my opinion and in times where you see so many people going through so much financial turmoil it's hard to get into the spending spirit and be festive. It was so much different in the years gone by.....

This time around there's a lot of confusion on the home front also....issues with the new situation....confusion about where things are headed and what things are becoming. I fear I'm losing track of what I want and in this state I may end up hurting too many people who for all intents and purposes mean to be helpful.

Have you ever wondered how just passing through a street can become so nostalgic? I was going through this street a couple of days back and just realised it was the old ice cream spot where my immediate family would gather at times during the evenings.....so many memories came floating back to me and overwhelmed me quite a bit....things I had barely remembered for all these years.....I need to go back there to see what else I can stir up :)

Restlessness....

Another week spent in different cities...thankfully only 2 this week so not so hectic. The worrying thing is that room service can now predict what I would want to have when I call....this is a clear indication that I'm spending way too much time outside home. Not that I mind always...but like I said previously...it's just a constant feeling of restlessness.

This time I learnt quite a bit about this one person....I learnt about this person's priorities and aspirations and how they can be troublesome in the long run. I've been in one situation where misplaced priorities resulted in complete disaster....so why am I willingly walking into another one? What is it that stops me from walking away? I really don't understand it....

Adapted cruelty

I don't like being cruel and mean....but I guess there are times in our lives when we have to be as stones. There are times when we must be the epitome of what we despise because being anything else means we are in the long run hurting someone. I feel bad that this situation arose because I was too 'que sera sera' about everything and too worried about what I would do or say and now I have to be this aweful and harsh person in order to suppress any feelings developed by misunderstood intentions.


Why is it that when you don't seek any attention you get loads of it?

An epic journey

There are days when you wake up hardly realizing that they would be ones that would take you on epic journeys. I had one of those over the weekend....

I was scheduled to come back to my home city (Karachi) from a smaller city in another province (Multan). I checked out of the hotel at 8am and got to the airport only to find that the airport is closed on account of some official VIP visit to the city. Having no flights out till 2 days later, my only option was to drive all the way to Lahore to catch an evening flight. The drive itself was 5 hours and took me all over Punjab's countryside which was an interesting experience for sure. Getting to Lahore, I find that there is no way into the city due to the power riots and the subsequent blocking of all entry and exit routes of the city. So I had to ditch the rented car and get onto a rickshaw that weaved its way around the back roads of Lahore to get me to the airport. Slightly over a kilometer away from the airport (in visual range) the rickshaw breaks down and so I have to decide whether to wait on the highway for someone to help me or miss the flight since all I had left was 1.5hours to takeoff and I didn't even have a printout of the ticket itself. So I chose a third option and ran across a field towards the airport praying that the airport security guys didn't shoot me thinking I was up to something. They didn't :)  At check in I am told that the Lahore - Karachi flight is now a Lahore - Islamabad - Karachi flight...a full 2 hours more than the scheduled flying time due to shortage of aircraft that day. I was scheduled to originally reach Karachi at 10am and I reached at 10pm...having travelled across an entire province by road and air......a day I will not forget soon :)

City hopping

A new day a new city....that's how I've been spending this week mostly. It's a little surreal spending each night in a different hotel room.....when I was young I thought this would be amazing and fun...now its just surreal....days spent going through airports....catching naps on flights....faces of strangers seem like blurs and mix into a collage of different sights and sounds.

At the same time, other things are more confusing than anything. I really need clarity on a lot of things but everyone else involved seems hell bent on providing nothing but confusion to an already confusing situation. At times like these, the only thing going through my head is "foolish games".....it fits very well to what we're doing.....


I feel like I'm just adding things to my schedule for the simple reason of not focussing on the impending mess that I'm creating for myself......

On a separate note....I want to thank a very close and dear friend for the support given through some very rough and horrid times....SN you've been there throughout and despite the fact that you've been through some horrible times yourself during these days you stuck by me and made sure I stayed focussed. I can only say that as a good person I am sure that things will work out really great for you and the little idiocies of stupid people really shouldn't get to you.

Confused beginnings

Some situations start off with confusion....it's very difficult to judge exactly how they will go because everyone involved is just so worried to give a definite answer. I really don't like confusion in life....I've had quite enough in my almost 30 years to last me another 3 lifetimes so I try and bring out clarity everywhere. But in the world we live in....clarity can be a very elusive thing.

People who make others feel bad about themselves are in my view the worst sort of human beings....this is the worst way you can hurt someone....to make them feel bad and apologetic about who they are. This friend of mine recently went through a difficult time and although I try to be there it's hard to see this person go through so much pain and anguish over someone who doesn't really care much and infact goes out of their way to make others feel bad about themselves.

Silence

Silence is a dangerous thing......silence from people who may be angry....silence from people who don't want to rock the boat....either way...it's a dangerous thing. Sometimes we stay quiet so that other people aren't hurt....not realising that perhaps in the long run the hurt caused by the initial silence will be unbearable.

Driven away.....

So the long weekend is finally over....although I had thought it would be a drag, I didn't really feel it slip by so soon. The first 3 days were ofcourse spent with family and relatives.....then the next with friends. The final one I spent meeting new 'acquaintances'. Quite unnerving I must say....I mean for all the confidence I show in everything else in life, I freak out when it comes to these things. I freaked out and shopped....i always shop when I get very anxious or when I'm extremely nervous.

Turns out my anxiety was quite unfounded...it went well. Though what I was afraid of did happen....the after reaction when the person freaked out and went into a nosedive mood. It completely drives me away....drives me away to others....and that is what I'm afraid of. Of being driven so far away that I don't have the energy to come back to what we developed. At this point I'm close to being in that spot....almost there....I don't like this.

The whole week off has made this office routine so difficult....I'm half asleep already and the day hasn't even started. God how will I get through the whole day?

Fosters

Not many people remember the place I've mentioned in the title. It was one of the old landmark restaurants of the city....the place where everyone went with family, friends, everyone. I had actually forgotten about it...rather the memory had faded into the background images of my mind until she brought it up the other day. It was so surprising that she remembered that place :)

I remembered so much about the place....how it was our family outing dinner place..how it was the last place I had dinner with my father....2 days before he died. We tried going there again after he died but it was just never the same for us. Slowly over time, the city grew and other places opened....the restaurant moved to a new place I remember and then finally closed down. There's a bank now where it used to be but I can still picture it. I can still picture how it looked from the outside....I can still picture the regular place the 5 of us used to sit in.

I guess it's time to make new memories now....new happy memories :) I'm optimistic about it....when I speak to them I feel comfortable....accepted....I see the possibility of happiness there and I want to grab it.

It rained today...I don't know why but rain always makes me sad. I feel strange saying this to people because in a city where everyone rejoices and celebrates the rain, I feel like the only one who is saddened by it.

Right times....Right persons

You'd be lucky to find that one person who regardless of the situation will always make you smile and calm you down....the one person who makes your heart skip a beat and feel warm. The ones who find that one person on the first try are the luckiest ones I suppose....the rest of us try several times and perhaps fail...often we end up with situations where we find comfort in the fact that atleast it's better than loneliness.

But when you do find that one person....I believe that everything starts to happen naturally and automatically. Sometimes people tell us that the time isn't right....it's never about the right time...the right person can come along at any time....would we rather wait and risk the loss of the right person just so we can say it wasn't the right time. I don't think so. Right now I believe is the right time because it is the right person.

It's also very interesting that when you tell people that you've gone through what I recently did...they suddenly think that I'm depressed....trying to explain further to them that you're not tends to make them think you're in denial....well I'm getting free meals out of it all so why not :)

Ramadan is almost over....a week to go now....I'm going to miss the half days at work....at the same time I will perhaps once again be able to have continuous sleep....waking up in the middle of the night to eat is just not right.

End of an era

I've lived in one particular area of the city for almost 20 years now....not the same house but the area has been pretty much the same. And in all that time, there has been a corner store near my house that we've all been to for groceries. We saw it grow from a small and modest corner store to a bustling general store that became the main selling point of the area. Now it seems that the brothers who ran it have developed some sort of a feud and have split. So the big store that had developed has now been split into a 1:3 ratio with the younger brother getting the smaller portion.

It's sad to see.....when you have so many memories of that store and now you see a split. I suppose this is how things go about nowadays....

Ramadan randomness

I'll admit ramadan makes me very lazy! No matter how many naps you take in the day, the lack of a full night's sleep is a killer. The lack of food or water really doesnt get to me at all...its the lack of sleep. Well a week or so more to go now...then its back to the normal routine. Normal...oh yeah...normal is going to be redefined now based on the new situation....one end and one beginning. I'm optimistic :) dare I say happy....

But this is bittersweet....no matter how bad the past was...it was a part of me....and I realized no matter how many bad memories you have....you will pause when the ultimate decision is to be made.

At work, I realize I have now become the project naming guy....from regeneration to genesis to venus.....I now have an entire library of uniquely named projects to my credit :)

Scrutiny and indifference

I yearn for a time when I don't need approvals from people to live my life the way I want....to do the things I want....it frustrates me at times that even though everyone may agree with something they still feel the need to go over everything I say with a fine comb and suggest how best to do things or even not to do them. I need simplicity....I need this to work on its own and not have a crowd of people interfere.....I know that it will happen....there's no avoiding the interference.

This was supposed to be simple and now I feel claustrophobic....overwhelmed....confused by the indifference shown at times and the positivity at the other times. Yes I don't live in greys a lot....especially when it comes to things like this....in these I believe in black and white....yes or no....care or indifference. Why is it so hard to just pick one? I try going with the flow but the flow changes speed all of a sudden and I am caught unaware and by the time I catch up to it...it slows back down and I have to again struggle to maintain pace.

16 years....

This weekend marked the continuation and the 16th annual iftar meet up that I have going with a very close group of school friends. We started going back in 1995 and have managed it every year ever since then.....so many things have happened in these 16 years but this has remained constant :) We started off with the annual pizza ritual and I can still remember hogging ourselves with an endless supply of pizza....then over the years we moved to other places and other options.

It's so strange to think that when we started this we were all idealistic teenagers with not a care in the world and now we're all touching 30 with so many issues.....we've come so far but it only takes a few minutes to take us right back to the very first iftar plan and although the jokes may have changed....the basic humor remains the same :)

Another interesting day ahead :) a day of perhaps a little bit of awkwardness and perhaps some nervousness but a day I am determined to make go well :)

Content :)

What does it mean when a situation continues to give you that tingly butterfly feeling even beyond the initial steps:) I suppose I know....though it's all baby steps so far but the general direction and the 'sometimes leaps' are all comfortable and feel right. In a long long time, perhaps ages, I feel happy....I feel content and I feel like I know where I'm headed :) it promises to be a good and happy place.

Meeting the clan was not difficult either...it felt so very natural and comfortable...I've never gelled in so easily to an unknown group within a few minutes and although it scared me a bit at first....it all suddenly felt so okay and there was no air of discomfort at all. I see where things are headed quite clearly....I'm okay with it :) I'm content :)

Unspoken fears and wizards

We all have unspoken fears in our minds....fears that shape us and our decisions....fears that sometimes control our fate and destiny. I think we need to be mindful of the fact that if we let these fears control us too much then we lose out on a lot of possibility and are in the end left with a lot of "what ifs". To me, the worst thing to do is to miss out on a possibility because of fear....fear of where things may go...fear of what expectations may develop. I have always believed in the importance of removing all fears from the mind...especially when its a mind where I'm trying to gain mindshare.....sorry couldn't help it :p marketing lingo creeps into everything!

So I watched harry potter's last movie yesterday....I must admit I've never been a fan of the series...didn't really get the whole excitement and the fan following. But this one was pretty good...ofcourse 3D makes it better :) and ofcourse the company made it so much worth it all! :)

Changing perceptions and trends

So I've started taking yoga now....I find it to be an amazing way to relax and at the same time clear my thoughts....move away from all the negativity of the past year or so. It's not easy to change my routine but I've realized that I need to change some of the perceptions that I myself created in people's minds....and so far I feel great with the changes!

The future at this point seems bright....seems full of hope and happiness :) Yes there are fears...there are insecurities but there's always the hope that these will be removed by careful attention and consideration....so far it seems to be working towards that :)

Why prolong it?

I know you read this often and try to decipher what I'm thinking....perhaps what you are doing more is trying to find out what I am doing and why. The sad part is that after reading all this.....you blame me, my family, my friends, everyone under the sun.....but you don't look in the mirror. Don't you see that there is shared responsibility here for how this whole thing turned out to be messy. If only you had understood a while back....we could have taken it back from the brink. But now....I have no feelings for it.....I have no desire to see myself unhappy. All I want is to handle this in a civil manner.....again you seem to not want that. It seems that you aren't sure anymore of the thing you demanded several times.

I have no intention of prolonging my misery or yours.....

All smiles :)

When fate works in its own mysterious ways to bring about what could possibly be salvation you can't help but smile :) No pills....no delusions....just plain and simple happiness :) I've missed this feeling!

When I think of all the twists and turns and the different decisions it took to get to this point....it's quite shocking....when so much was piled against it....it still worked out to this current state

It will be messy....

This is what most people said it would be like....I didn't want to believe it....I thought we could be mature about it but that was just wishful thinking on my part i suppose. Now its really very messy.....so messy that I am filled with rage!

So you are the mysterious visitor.....I always did suspect so. You see this page more than anyone and yet you have no idea what goes on in my head. You assume you can read some lines and understand what makes me tick.....it's what you were supposed to read between the lines that mattered. I guess you never got that.....too late now. Let's just try and be mature about this.

Of endings and beginnings

I always wondered what it would be that would in my mind turn the switch off.....the switch that was half turned anyways because of the way you had become. I still can't say for sure exactly what it was that turned the switch completely off but I am sure that it is. I feel nothing......only anger. Anger that I let this go on for so long.....anger that I let you do all this to me. Please don't make it messy now....I really want a clean break.

Then at the other end of the spectrum there's SI.....I don't know what to make of all this. I really don't. I mean I see so much in there but then there are so many scars now that there's complete fear of developing anything. I'm afraid of the manic routine you have.....I don't know how I can fit in....in the long run I mean....right now it's all workable but later...?? I guess I'll take the plunge....I'll let it develop into anything it can be. All I know is....I'm happy for now :) very happy

Happiness without pills

So just when you think that you've become fate's punching bag.....things start to turn so much better :) i can honestly say that I've been at a little peace for the last few days. It's a very strange thing that I let down my walls for someone so soon but it just feels so comfortable to let this person in....all the way in. Ofcourse there's a lot of fear....fear of repeating the mistakes made before....fear of basically all the unknowns.

For now, things are seemingly moving along quite well. I'm hesitant to place a tag on this and state what it is because of the fear but I so want to. I'm happy....without having to use any pills! That has to mean something :)

Like minded souls

So this weekend was unusual....unusual in the sense that I came across a very like minded soul....one who stands quite apart from anyone else I came across in so many aspects. Yet there are still so many questions and so many fears. I'm tempted to take the plunge but the fear is just too great at this point....fear of so many things. I took down a lot of the walls for you...in a remarkably short span of time but not all....I can't let them all down...not after all that happened. I so want to though....I so want you to be different....that's the issue though....am I rushing cos I want this so much? Am I making similar mistakes?

I suppose there's only one way to find out.....I'm not going to be sitting 10 years down the road wondering "what if?"

Wishing a memory

For 23 years now I've been saying this to your face in my memory only....when you were here, I can't really remember if I ever said it to you.

Happy Father's Day!! Wherever you are......I hope someday we will meet again. They say we are extremely alike...in looks, in mannerisms and in personalities.....I would've really liked to have known you.

Memories on tape

For some odd reason....I had a tune stuck in my head....one I couldn't place for a few days now. When I finally did I smiled...it was from a very old movie that I watched way back on tv....back when there was only a couple of hours of good television programming in the evenings. This was the time that everyone (kids) gathered around the tv and waited for re-runs of old sit coms, dramas and movies from decades ago.

The movie was 'bedknobs and broomsticks'....a movie from the 70s and based on magic and adventure. Not an epic movie but one that was perhaps part of everyone's childhood who was part of the generation I grew up in here in this city. It made me smile :) I remember the pure childhood simplicity of life back then......I miss it....

Resurfacing faces

I had a dream of a very old friend last night.....a friend who passed away around 10 years ago. She was full of life and energy at all times. She was born into unusual circumstances and a lifestyle different from what most kids are used to....at a young age she was exposed to the harshness of life and the cruel realities that some of us never have to encounter. Was it her fate to be exposed to all this just because she was born into that family? I think it was unfair that she was bound to go through all that because of the family she was in.....she never chose to be part of that family.

The dream was a simple one....I was out shopping with her and she kept rambling about something important that she had to tell me.....just a collage of strange shops that we were visiting and buying random stuff from. Frankly it made no sense but it reminded me of her. I'm sorry to say that her memory had slipped to the back of my mind after all these years.

When she died she had been pushed into a world that she tried so hard to avoid....one that her family had not intended for her to avoid.....I can't even remember the last conversation we had.....I do remember the laughter full of life though :) I miss you T!

Farewell to a friend

This is dedicated to my friend FM....a kind and gentle soul who passed away recently. I didn't know him for too long....just a little over 2 years now but in that time I had come to know him as a caring, generous and kind hearted individual who never shrunk from helping out others. It's sad when people die young and leave behind so many unfulfilled dreams and aspirations. It's even sadder that the last months of their lives are spent in pain and misery.I will always remember the last time we met....completely coincidental and and unexpected....despite the severe weakened state you were in you did your very best to put on a smile and shake my hand the way you always did with vigour and energy.

I will miss you FM...every morning I pass by your room and remember the morning tea we had...being the first ones there so early. Thank you for being a friend...thank you for going out of your way that one time to get me that movie...one that will always remind me of you when I watch it. Rest in peace my friend....

Recurrence

For many years now I've been having this recurring dream....a dream that i can make no sense of but it just keeps repeating on and on. I can clearly remember having this for something like 10 years now.

It starts out with me waking up from a semi sleep state...I'm in a car sitting on the passenger side. I can make out the scenery around me...it's a lot of green rolling countryside and the road is a dark line that cuts across the greenery as far as I can see ahead. The weather is amazing....I can feel a light cold breeze around me and it's all cloudy but not raining. I then start to turn my head to the side to see who the driver is....I can see hands on the steering wheel....the person driving is female....she's wearing a yellow t-shirt and I can make some grey design on the shirt. I turn further to see who she is....I'm almost about to see the face and then I wake up.

This is what I have been seeing all these years...I don't know what it means....I hate the fact that I've never been able to see her face.

Diversions

I feel like a zombie nowadays.....don't get enough sleep at all and work has turned into a blur of activities that blend into eachother...sometimes so much that I can't even recall fully what I did throughout the day. The tingling in my head refuses to go away no matter how many pills I take. I've never before thought that I'm pushing myself too far but this time I'm pretty convinced that I am. Let's see how much further I can push it though....it's all that keeps me from thinking about the utter mess that I'm into when I'm at home.

And as for the emotional blackmail drama.....it's really diminished any lingering emotional attachment for me. It's now just that I don't care anymore.....I can't....not after all the stuff that I've seen you do and say.

Off

Is it possible that in my mind I have turned off the switch that cares? Perhaps that switch was never really on....I've never really fallen for the emotional traps people set....all it does is infuriate me even further. You should know by now that it's really not working and just making things worse. I've never really been so wrong at reading people but I suppose there's always a first time and unfortunately this time was a massive oversight and the repercussions may be quite serious.

Practicality

As old connections fade and dissolve....new ones emerge. It feels strange that we tend to move on so quickly....but perhaps I can understand this better after having talked to my aunt. So it would seem that we have it in our blood to move on....to not dwell too long on something that has happened. Maybe that's a good thing....our practicality....but I am sure that it's interpreted as cold heartedness by others.

On a lighter note...India's first ever 3D horror movie...aptly titled haunted....is pure entertainment. I swear if you add up all the 3D effects that hollywood has done so far....you'd still fall short of what this one movie has done. I laughed for the entirety of the movie....possibly not the desired effect that the makers had intended but honestly you cannot get more entertained for rs.500 doing anything else.

Competition

So is it just social pressure and the fear of stigma that keeps this train wreck going? Slowly but surely I realize that despite the sadness of this fact...it is infact very true. Competition is healthy but it doesn't work in every relationship....infact there are some relationships where competition needs to be done away with. This is your problem! You try and compete on every issue....every non issue.....I know you will never acknowledge this but in the end this is the main issue that tears us apart at the seams. Things are supposed to be simple....they are supposed to be happy......but I don't see that coming anywhere in the near future.

Is it unreasonable for me to want simplicity in this relationship? Is it unreasonable that I want you to rely on me for somethings?

Overwhelmed

It's really amazing how even after 23 years you can recognize family just by the eyes across a room filled with people. I have to admit the emotions got to me too when I met her....it was quite a moving moment. For all the issues people have had....and all the stubbornness....in the end none of it was really important. So many years wasted just because of egos and momentary anger.

She's been through so much by herself that its understandable why she's a little harsh.....the death of a husband, 3 brothers, 1 nephew, 1 niece......after all that death around her, it's remarkable that she was able to maintain her sanity.

I can't really describe the emotions and thoughts that I went through.....when I heard that my eyes change color just like my father....when I heard that the way I walk and the way I look at people is exactly the way he used to do.....I've always been told some of these things but the intensity was so much stronger this time. It's unfortunate that we spent so many years without a link because of a few minor issues. It's unfortunate that one person already passed away longing for such a meeting.....I'm glad things have changed :)

Second chances - update

Okay so I did agree to the second chance I had mentioned earlier. It started off with just a phone call....I couldn't even remember the voice at the other end of the line since it's been 23 years since I last heard it. Yes there were awkward silences....points where no one really knew what to say but all in all.....it was pleasant. I know it'll be hard for people to understand but I felt reconnected to an era I felt was long gone. And yes I do believe I will meet.....because if this is one of the last opportunities I may have then I cannot bear to let her go in such a way. I do strongly believe that time heals all wounds and decreases the intensity of all issues....other people in the family though would not agree with this. But then again, this is something I am doing for me....not for everyone else.

Second chances

Do people deserve second chances? I've recently been approached by a family member....one I haven't seen in 23 years. Things happened.....fights erupted....situations developed that drove the family apart and thus ensued a long period where seeds of hatred and resentment were planted into all of us about this person. I don't know how much of it is true and how much was exaggerated for effect....I know there exists the tendency to exaggerate in the people who told me these stories.

This person is frail now....in all likelihood this person does not have too long left and wants to see me. I know that the burden of blame lies right on this person but here now at the end if she's asking for forgiveness then what right do I have to deny it? There has already been one person who passed away asking for forgiveness that was not given.....it wasn't my decision back then and neither was I aware of the request....I do feel bad about that now that I know.

I'm really not sure what to do here.....should I agree?

Pressure escapes

Somehow I always find peace when listening to "you look so fine"....it's an old song by garbage. Reminds me a lot of my school days...music was so much better then....life was so much easier then. You may say I live in the past a lot but what choice do I have when the present is really difficult? It's not that I want to be in a different place....it's just that I use those memories to help myself cope with the pressures of today. It's not easy going through all that I have to on a day to day basis....I'm so hoping that eventually I find happiness.

Until then....."let's pretend, happy end" :)

Far away but near

I came across a box of my old stuff over the weekend....stuff from like 10+ years ago. These were things I kept during the time I was in school as reminders of important events or important people. Amongst the expected items of J and things from school I came across 3 pictures I had all but forgotten about. 3 pictures given to me by a person who at one point was quite special. So this post is dedicated to you KL....to all the wonderful memories we shared....all the wonderful times we had. I'm sorry to say that I lost track of you over the years.....things move so quickly that sometimes we tend to forget those who are part of our lives. I have no idea where you must be right now....or what you're up to. I do hope you remembered me over the years....and that the memories brought a smile to your face as they did to mine. Thanks for everything K....I will never forget :)

Of dramas and cats

M is a curious case....always unpredictable. Comes in from nowhere to be all nice one day and totally mean the next....I don't know why I put up with this bipolar issue of hers...maybe it's guilt...guilt for the things that happened. I suppose one day I should realize that I don't owe her this kindness and just ignore the drama that is her life....and believe me it is a complete drama! At times things that have the remotest possibility of happening do happen to her and leave everyone stunned. In the end I do hope she ends up finding whatever it is she's looking for.

A very old cat passed away recently...one that I had become attached to over time. His nickname was "grandpa" :) and he was extremely polite...always waited patiently for his food before jumping in. Though cranky at times, he was in his own way quite funny and I'll miss him.

Conflicted

So I've been spending a few days in the interior of the country....things have changed a lot in the past 2 years....a lot of advancement. Okay well I'm basing this on the number of brand stores that have opened up but I suppose that's a pretty okay yardstick. I'm staying at a hotel overlooking a very famous barrage and the view is really amazing....except for the 6 lizzards that keep crowding my window :s

But despite all that I love interacting with the people out here....lives are simpler...problems aren't the superficial ones you hear of in the main cities. I'm conflicted though...I've been travelling almost a week...been from 4 celcius to 18 celcius and now at 34 celcius all within the same week......so I really do want to get back home to my own bed......but I don't want to at the same time. I know what's waiting for me....more fights...arguments and drama!

I want things to be okay.....I really need happiness now.....I'm tired and I need to sleep....sleep without worrying of what next you will grab on to and make an issue out of.

And again I got a call from .... well I was going to write friend but I'm not really sure where we are at this point.....the things she says really confuse me at times....what is the point of being so nice when you'll call me in 5 days and start screaming for how things happened.

Avoidance therapy

So I find myself travelling a lot nowadays just so that I can keep myself out of the house.....in the last 2 weeks I think I've gone to 7 cities across the country. None of these trips were ofcourse extremely urgent or infact required my personal presence there but I think this is a good escape route. In all these places, I've come across people who are happy in their lives....people who don't have much but are still content and manage to smile as they go about their days......I envy that. I want that so bad!

People call me a workaholic....I'm really not! I hate being called that but the reality is that in order to avoid the situation I'm in I've entrenched myself so much at work that no other title seems to fit. This is really not how I imagined life to be 10 years ago......

Music nostalgia

No matter what people say about how far mp3 technology has come, I still feel it is no match for an audio cd played on a 5.1 surround sound system. I don't know if it's just a perception I've created in my mind but to me an mp3 doesn't have the same energy I feel from my old audio cds. Yesterday I sat down and went through my old album collection...cds I gathered over years...back when you could only purchase originals at one or two stores in Karachi and on a monthly pocket money budget they were very expensive! :)

As I went through the cds....I remembered so much that was associated with particular songs...particular times in my life. Certain songs took me back to happier times....certain songs to sadder times and some just took me to places I had been long ago and the memory had now somewhat faded.

I remember how things started with J....the song that played in the background....the song that I listened to again and again because to me that song was now imprinted with the memory of that moment....that feeling. Even now...just the melody of that song brings back so many memories....so many "what ifs" now....

Read and wonder

I love reading books...not any specific type per say but just the act of reading.....the fact that my own mind creates the entire visualization of the scene being described just makes me feel so much more mentally alive as opposed to watching the movie. I made this weekend a very intense reading one...went through quite a lot....I normally stick with mythologies but at times I do try out fiction. Mythologies are my passion....I find it fascinating to study the beliefs and rituals of long dead civilizations and how they are sometimes so similar to modern day religion. Most people I know laugh at this connection I see but I truly believe that there is some sort of a link there....the mythologies all seem to interlink with modern day religion. Ofcourse I live in a country where it is unthinkable to question religion or make any connections between different religions....so actually talking about any of this to people is a big NO! But wouldn't it be fascinating to find out why exactly all of the major religions...current and historic.....have similarities and although the text may change but the central ideals and concepts of each stay the same over ages. Whether its monotheistic or polytheistic...the essence of the teachings remain the same and in some cases the characters portrayed in modern religion to illustrate the teachings are identical in many ways to those adopted by the romans, egyptians, greeks and nordics.

Open sea

I love being in the open sea....the water just calms me and is just so soothing. Although being in the open sea with people like M is not totally calming as all she does is continuously complain and get sick :) I suppose the constant movement is not for everyone. Given a choice, I'd take a ride out to sea everyday and just kick back. I remember a time when it was an every weekend activity.....it was so long ago now but I can recall every bit of it very clearly. I really miss those times.....those people.....

Escape

I find that the best way to escape from my issues and problems is total and complete delusion and ofcourse letting go of the control I maintain over every aspect of my life - just for a short while. So that's what I did this weekend....so much so that my head is still numb. Okay I'm not a great proponent of substance abuse but it seriously got me out of the dump I was in :) ..... and yes I do know it's completely temporary but I've got to a point now where even a temporary reprieve is a very welcome one and I would gladly indulge so that a few hours can pass in happiness.

On a sadder note....I say goodbye to my barber.....a nice, kind and gentle soul who passed away recently. I will always remember discussions with him held over a multitude of subjects.I always knew he faced a lot of troubles but he never brought them up in front of me. I will always remember the pride in his eyes when he mentioned his son and how he had so many hopes for him. I hope I was able to be a nice person to him.....may you rest in peace.

Pictures and notes

Came across an old envelope a couple of days ago....just stood out because it seemed old and a little tattered. Opened it and realized it was my fathers'....it had 6 passport size pictures of him in it and some hand written notes. I don't know where this envelope came from....suddenly just got found lying among a bunch of things. I wonder what they were for? Was he giving them to the person whose name was written on the envelope or was he just keeping them for something else?

I looked at the pictures for a while....also his handwritten notes....I felt a connection there...something I haven't had for 23 years now. These were pictures from around the time he passed away....and I still can't accept the fact that he's gone...the anger is still there....I want to know why! I want to know who I would've been if he had been around.

I also realized a similarity between the 2 of us....he didn't smile when taking photographs for official use....I always like knowing that we are alike. I can't explain why....perhaps in my own way I'm trying so hard to be like him....but no.....he was probably a much better person than I've turned out to be. Do I disappoint him wherever he is now? I hope not.....but I fear that I do. It's so not fair!!

Disconnect

I don't like spending 12 hours of my life at work....I'm really not the sort who enjoys these things and then speaks of them to other people as if the work I do is so important and that the world would collapse if I didn't do it. I'd rather be out....enjoying my life....enjoying the company of people I care about. Life for the past few months has been really tough and hard to deal with. I need to disconnect and I need to do it soon.

I know you tried to make things better....but you just don't realize that it's a matter of personality clash. The way you are....you will never accept anyone else's dictation in even the smallest most insignificant matter of life. It's not that I want to be dictatorial....but sometimes its nice to be heard and considered.

I'm tired of being unhappy and sad....I think I deserve happiness now....I've waited long enough and I've been through enough....I don't like the image staring back at me in the mirror

Looking within

Sometimes I really worry about the sort of person I am....or is it just one aspect of the many faces I've used over the years that worries me. That ofcourse is another worry....the fact that I've put on so many faces to suit others over time, I don't really remember the one I started out with. How do I find that one now?

The face that worries me is the one where I see evil....I see a darkness there that I really don't want to even confront. I can't even remember how this one came about.....what situation or person forced me to make this one up and put it on? I just know it's there and that it resurfaces from time to time...I want it to go away...although the current situation (mess) I'm in right now is actually making me wear it more and more often....

Running nowhere

I miss my daily routine of running in the nearby park....I remember I used to do it everyday (well almost) while I was in school and then university too. Although it didn't help one bit in terms of reducing any weight :) it was still a very relaxing (mentally) activity. Nowadays I pass by the park everyday on my way back from work....I see people there and I am reminded of myself all those years ago. I always felt such freedom while running....my mind would just drift away and I'd feel happy. Regardless of what time of the day it was I would still make the effort to go there....sometimes even in the afternoon....in the sweltering heat. But when you're coming back from work at 9 in the evening, you hardly feel like running anymore....

I've been reacquainted with an old friend recently...someone who had drifted away....well to be honest we had both drifted away...it's been years now so I can barely recall exactly what happened. I'm surprised by the level of care this person exhibits....I'm not used to this much care....

Distractions

I'm conflicted.......caught between 2 choices where I either pick my own happiness or I choose to carry on this facade for the sake of you, us and everyone else. I don't feel anything now....even the anger's gone....it's just nothingness. I find myself drifting further and further away and although I don't like it...I don't think it's something I can control...or do I even want to? Since the alternate basically means having to face this mess that I'm in.

Work is good at keeping me busy though....when you spend 13 hours in the office you hardly have any energy left to feel anything....maybe I'm hoping for some sort of breakdown.

On a separate note I got reacquainted with "summer wine" a couple of days back....I love that song! I remember my father listening to it.....I can never get too much of that song

Worn down

I hate the fact that you want to question everything I do just to check if I'm hiding something. No one ever questioned me this much on my life but you feel the need to double check everything I say! The worst thing is that you know it irritates me so much but yet you try and see how far you can push my patience.....honestly my patience is now worn down and battered......

I've never been to this place before....I've always been very patient....I don't know how to handle this....I find myself losing my temper....losing my focus....it's a strange place to be.....Please let me go back to where I was before....where I was happy......

Days best ignored

I never really like valentine's so much.....okay I guess it was a big thing back in school but since I've ben out of school I've never really celebrated it....even if I did have someone to celebrate it with. I do remember a time when I really looked forward to it and planned for it....but that was a very different time and a very different person. Now all I do is plan things to keep myself distracted and busy so I don't have to face the fact that all the dreams that were once shared are never going to be.

So this adds to my list of "days to be ignored"....not a very long list though....unlike most other lists I carry.

Delusions

Everytime I delude myself into thinking that maybe things can still just move along, you have to smack me in the face with the fact that no matter how much I try I just can't find any middle ground now. I've been patient for over a year now.....I used to think nothing could wear down my patience.....but I find myself getting irritated, screaming inside my head, this stomach churning feeling.....all of these signs that I just can't take it anymore.

Am I holding on to the last few shreds of hope just because of fear.....uncertainty.....perhaps some misguided sense of responsibility? I don't know anymore.....

All I know is that all the pills I take aren't enough to numb me anymore.....

Random

I love cheescake! It's one of my biggest temptations and the fact that I can't eat it nowadays makes me really irritated......I've been on a weight watching thing for quite some time now. Not that I couldn't do with a day of indulgence but the guilt trip would just kill me then so I avoid it.

I don't think I ever mentioned that my sister has a thing for keeping a ridiculous amount of cats (11) and dogs (5)....in the same house at the same time! :) It's like a zoo in there....but having the same animal loving genes as her I do love all of them....even if there are way too many but so what....it's entertaining just watching the way they interact with eachother.

I was under the impression that we have a day off in the middle of the current week....imagine my sadness when I realized its next week.....oh well....

Catching up

This weekend I met one of my oldest friends from school....she was here for a few days and we made the effort of keeping one night free so that the 2 of us could catch up. You never realize how long its been until you actually think about all the time that's passed. I think the last time the 2 of us had such a long and detailed discussion on anything was over 10 years ago and just that fact makes me wonder what I've done with the last 10 years of my life. In terms of personal achievements I honestly don't have much to show for all these years....infact you could say I was better off in terms of personal happiness back then as compared to now. Yes ofcourse there are tons of professional achievements but in the end how much do those matter if you're not happy.

On a separate note....Gulliver's Travels is definitely not worth 3d! :p Infact it's not even worth paying the cinema charges!

Confusing calls

I don't know why you call me at times.....it's been so long now that things took such a nasty turn and you became bitter....but despite all that you call and start talking as if nothing ever happened. Is it just to torture me into thinking what could have been? Or are you just simply that lost that you have nowhere else left to turn to?

Trust

I don't understand myself when it comes to the issue of trust. Some people I trust intimately and immediately...I share with them things that are quite personal and I suppose most people would be a little troubled to talk so openly about them.....not saying that this has hurt me so far.....if anything it has helped me. My confusion is more regarding people who I suppose I should trust but I really don't.....I can't understand why this is so.....

Bearing misery

A good friend recently asked me...."why do you make yourself go through misery?" I honestly don't know the answer to that question. Perhaps its because I'm afraid of what will happen if I let go and stop caring about the social stigma. Or maybe it's because I do care a lot more about the situation than most people believe I do. Frankly I'm getting to a point where I've stopped caring about the fights and the issues....I've retreated further into my own head and I guess that's not a good thing in the long run but it works for now so I can live with it.

Travel

I need to take a vacation...go somewhere far away. Not for long....I suppose even a week would do for me at this stage. I remember K used to talk about these places in Sweden that I would just love to go see for myself....that's one place I really do want to visit....northern Europe....never been that far up...nothing above Denmark so this is definitely a "to do". I used to love travelling on my own....just go to a city and get lost.....try to find my way back to where I was staying and this was the time I discovered so much about a city. It seems so long ago now.....I really do want to begin that again....but on my own.....maybe soon :)

Future musings

I'm never too excited about having an upcoming birthday....I see a lot of people around me really looking forward to theirs and making plans to do so much.....but I just see it as another day. I don't really understand why I treat any occasion as just another day but its a very strong habit now. I suppose this past year has been one that has seen 2 extremes....great success in my work life but at the same time misery in my personal life. On the whole I can't really say whether its been a good year or a bad one....I guess it's about which part of life I look at.

So what do I look forward to in the next year of my life? I don't know....it's all a big blur at the moment. Things (personal life) could go horribly wrong or they could improve....I find improvement hard to imagine at the moment but I suppose there's always hope

Random

You forget all your worries and troubles when you walk in on your 60+ mother in the kitchen singing "Sheila" :D

What may have been

Last night I had a strange dream about J...it was back in school and we were just hanging out....talking like we always did. I really do miss that whole time. Things were so much simpler back then....I remember the long afternoons after school where we'd just hang out and talk about everything and nothing. In the back of my mind I fear that it was the best chance I had for happiness but then we had both decided that nothing could come of it so why worry about it. Frankly I don't think we even properly said goodbye ever....just switched onto a different part of our lives.

Now when I talk to her it's so weird....she has a full life with kids and family and it's like we're worlds apart....I suppose everyone adapts to the situation that they are put into...I am ofcourse happy for her because she seems happy. It was a wonderful 5 years that I will always remember....

But isn't it wonderful to dream of what may have been.....

Roots

I coupled a work trip with a chance to get to know my roots a little more in depth. Turns out I am more like my father than I ever knew...who in turn was a lot like a great grandfather he had.....I loved exploring the entire family tree. I suppose it gives me a sense of belonging....a sense of being part of a family....which is something I always miss in the city I live in. I can't explain it but being in that family house always seems right to me....even if it's just for a few hours I feel like I'm home.

I really do wish I'd had more of a chance to know him....

Chinese nostalgia

Remember the old 80s chinese restaurants?....the ones with red and white table cloths...food with way too much ketchup in it....tacky decorations all over.....? I went to one of those over the weekend....it's just so strange to find them still around...albeit in very select areas but it just made me so nostalgic! I remember when we used to go there as a family.....my father would always be the one ordering...he'd know exactly what everyone would like. I really miss those days....and I miss him....I miss not being able to know him....I'm certain that he would be able to guide me out of the mess I'm in now. I don't go to such places because of the food....I go there for the nostalgia.....I go there because I feel a connection with the past....with happier times.....

Reality

HOPE
It's 6pm and I come home....I see her sitting with my mom talking....laughing...sharing a few stories...they've been out during the day and are planning for another day. I see happiness around me....I see a family. We all sit together and have a chat over tea....discuss people, things, anything and everything. She is there as a daughter to my mother not a daughter in law....she makes her feel happy and wants her to relax after 20 years of raising a son on her own. We have dinner together...all 3 of us....and then the 2 of us maybe go out for coffee....Life is beautiful.

REALITY

It's 8.30pm and I come home after coming up with things to keep myself busy till late. She isn't home yet...out with friends / colleagues.....I sit with my mom who has had a tough day and is exhausted....we have tea. She walks in....upset with me for not having called and asked her if she wanted something. She screams at us both about one thing or another....grabs her dinner from the kitchen and eats in the room. My mother has tears in her eyes....she worries about how things will go on when it's only been a year and things are so bad....she apologises to me like she does everyday...I hug her. I go into my room after taking a concoction of tranquilizers and nerv relaxants....enough to drown out her screams at me. I pass out soon....off to a better world in my dreams.....waiting for the next day to start......Life is a nightmare.

Comparisons

I am an avid reader of blogs and do regularly follow a few. One post recently really struck me quite strong and made me think. We all think that we've got it bad and that things are unfair....very rarely do we see such stark examples that make us realize how difficult things may be for others and our worries and troubles no matter how big may seem trivial in comparison. I don't know you but I really do hope that things start looking up for you and that you find happiness.

Dangerous times

We now live in very dangerous times and based on what's going on I don't seem to think there's much hope for improvement. I think the following is very pertinent:

They came first for the Communists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist.

Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew.

Then they came for me
and by that time no one was left to speak up.

This was a writing by Martin Niemoller during WW2 on the Nazis oppression of different sects of society. This should be a wake up call for us all.

On a lighter note, you can't help but smile when you see an angry youngster part of a religious rally chanting slogans while drinking Pepsi! Oh the irony :)

Hope

You never really realize the impact you can have on other people's lives until it hits you straight on your face. Up until now I had believed that we all go about our daily work in our little shells and my work didn't impact anyone directly in any way. A couple of days ago I realized that this one project I have worked on has infact given a job to 5 previously unemployed people and when they met me I could see the gratitude in their eyes. This to me meant so much more than all the accolades and the promotions and the pats on the back over the last few days. The ray of hope I saw in them made it all worth it in the end....