Little sister

I'm lucky to have the most amazing best friend in the world.....infact more than that....with her I actually do feel like I have the perfect little sister ....

Perspective

So I spent a week out of the city in a place where my room had a view of the woods and a valley below us. It was beautiful and it gave me a bit of perspective.

I realized that the reason I'm restless is because I don't do things for myself rather I do things that I feel would make people around me happy. Over time, my family's become so focussed around the neagtives and the crises that surround us that we stopped looking at the smaller good things in life. When I try to solve all these crises I lose out on the things that I'm meant to do for myself......

The thrill of the chase

There are those of us who enjoy the thrill of getting something we want dearly so much that this is all we focus on...we don't look at the entire picture...we focus solely on getting the thing (person) we want and put everything behind that goal. Once we attain it....the thrill is gone....the excitement....the passion all dissipates and we're left with the empty feeling of having nothing to chase. It's then that we start looking for the next chase....and the cycle keeps on going.

Hexed

They were a happy little family of 4....surrounded by close friends and relatives. Every weekend was filled with trips and outings. The head of the family had worked hard to build a good and comfortable life for everyone. They had 2 little girls and he wanted a son....as is the customary wish here in this country. They had tried once but had failed....a miscarriage that no one in the family ever speaks of to this day. Then it had finally happened....they had a boy and everyone was happy that they were now 5 instead of 4. The abundance of pictures from that era shows how happy everyone felt and how much the future seemed bright. He apparently used to tell everyone about all that he would do with the boy by his side as he grew up.

No one had expected that this was the beginning of a tough and harsh time for them all. The boy's birth was soon followed by financial crises.....death of one of the family's patriarchs....internal squabbles....breaking of bonds.....the list goes on. Times became tougher and tougher....and finally culminated in the head of the family's death....an unexpected...sudden death....one that to this day is not talked about or explained to the boy.

He knows he was the bringer of bad luck....he knows that his coming changed everything about the family.....they may have been 5 but not for long....just under 7 years after his birth they were 4 again and then the splits and fading of bonds....finally leading to being completely dysfunctional. No one blames him for anything but he knows deep down that he was a curse for them all....maybe they think it in the back of their minds....maybe they will never say it out loud. It's not his fault....he never asked for any of this......how could he control whatever fate had in store. All he can say is "I am sorry".......

Pure emotion

So I came across an incident today which made me stop and think. This guy I know was apparently working till 1:30am making a sales call while he has malaria and almost collapsed. When I asked him why he is constantly risking his health he had one very simple yet silence inducing answer...."I don't want my new born daughter to begin walking in a rented house".

Nothing I say any further can add to the pure human desire and emotion in that statement he gave

Belong

I've always been supposed to be the one who thinks of the family....of what is good for the family....of continuance. I'm tired of that now....I've always put everyone else before myself and in all this time...what I wanted has been lost. Perhaps this is why I feel like I'm not on the right path....I never really understood my path...I jump from rock to rock seeking familiarity....seeking calm....seeking the feeling that I belong somewhere.

Staying put

I remember how much I searched for companionship at one point in my life....I searched for the right person and felt that the right time was approaching. A lot of emotional distress later....I find myself running away from any sort of commitment now. There have been so many disappointments that I'm honestly quite afraid of going through another. I see people around me settling and getting engrossed in a new phase of their lives but there's a part of me that does not want to move into that phase any more.

There's also the thought that if so many things do go wrong so many different times, then maybe this is a sign that I'm supposed to stay away from that phase of life. The urge to stay put is too great right now....