Gamble

So after a brief week back home i am now back to my new home and my new city. I thought that leaving the second time would be easier...not just on me but also on the family...but it was the same sadness that we all felt last time. I wonder if in time it will get better....perhaps not but I can always hope.

In this one week a lot has changed....some things have moved forward significantly while some things have deteriorated immensely and now I wait for the dust to settle and the cards to fall into their place so I can place my bet again and take on another big gamble. In the end that's what most big life decisions are....a big gamble that could at any time blow up in your face

Home again

Home after 2 months....or is this still home? Am I now supposed to consider my new place home? I don't think it works that way for me.....to me, this house, this area, this city, this country will always be home. The step I've taken puts me on a track going further and further away from here but in my mind I am still here. All the memories....all the people....all the lost ones....this is where I became who I am. For better or for worse...this is me...this city is me.

Yes there are inconveniences....not being able to use your phone on the road...carefully thinking about routes to and from places....the new obsession of the government to switch off cell phones every time there's an event :)  but only when you're far away do you realize how much you miss every little thing.

Forgive....

Forgive me for I have sinned...even when I knew what I was doing was wrong and would hurt people. I played games over and over....repeated patterns and mistakes that ended up hurting those who I had at one point cared about. It's not that I wasn't aware of what I was doing or what it would end in....I knew exactly what all these games would lead to. I still know....yet I still play them. Forgive me for this, I fear, is a part of my nature that I cannot change. It is the one thing that I loathe about me but yet the thrill I get from it is indescribable.

I know what I must do...I know I must put an end to these games once and for all....but I don't see that happening soon.....so forgive me....all affected by my tendency to play

Set practices

People trying to change me doesn't really work at this point in my life. I am a certain way and yes I have some rules and boundaries I don't cross because that's just not the way that my mind works. Why do people insist on following a path that just takes them round and round in life....I believe more in getting to the point.

Calm and serenity

Woke up to a fogged in morning today...couldn't see the building next to mine. It's mornings like these where you wish you could just stay in, make yourself some coffee and sit in the balcony to enjoy the serenity and the calm of the fog.

A game

I feel like I am destined to repeat some mistakes....these are dangerous games we play and what is hard to understand at first is how they impact the lives of other people. If I do have this realization then why is it that I go on with these games? What is it that prompts me to engage in this when I know there can be no good that comes of it in the end? This is a story I've seen played out several times before....an ending that is hard for all involved but still I march on as if it were nothing but just a simple game.