Mixed emotions

As I pick him up from school, I remember the day he picked me up from school for the last time. It's an odd feeling and there's pride and sorrow mixed in together. Time has moved on so quickly and I've come so far now from all those years ago. I think the biggest concern I have is to be able to be a good role model for him......that worries me....am I that kind of person to be a role model?

Failed justice

After 29 years I still don't forget the time I heard those 3 words. Those 3 words came crashing down on us all and changed my life in a way I never imagined. This year, I tried to do something different on the day, I took a night shift to try and bring justice where 29 years ago justice had failed us. This isn't something that's easy to understand I suppose, not many will see this as a reason and say yes we get it, but in my own way, having done all I did that night, I feel I was able to help people on a night when 29 years ago no one helped us.

Am I still bitter and unaccepting of reality? Yes I am! It's unfair and I'll say it's unfair till the day I die.

No exits

The building was back last night in my dreams and so was he just outside it. I remember being able to see him through a window and gesturing that I'm coming down; and then it all starts all over again. An endless maze of stairs and elevators, through endless corridors filled with people who look through me as if I don't exist and me trying my best to ask someone how to get out. Every time I approach a new door I'm filled with hope which quickly turns to despair once the door opens to expose yet another room. Deep inside I can feel he's still out there waiting but I'm just helplessly lost inside this place.

What does all this mean?

Beat on against the current

Day after day we go forth trying to make this day better than the last, trying harder to achieve our goals and our ambitions. We solidify our belief that in constantly going forward we will at one point achieve all that has eluded us; the past is not to be dwelt upon, it is only to be learnt from.

"So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past"  - this line from one of my favourite books personifies the struggle so well

Primal drive

What drives normal people to become bloodthirsty vicious beings? This weekend on shift both nights I saw people who hold normal everyday jobs revert to their most primal nature and inflict unnecessary amounts of pain onto eachother. A simple night out for some has now ended up being a life altering night and will change the way they go about their day to day lives. Are our lives now so stressful and controlled that given the smallest outlet we will explode and just revert to our most basic animal nature?

I am unable to fathom it! Yes I will go after you and I will make you account for what you have done but after all is said and done at the end of my shift I will sit down and wonder....Why?

5 years now

It's been over 5 years now....since I decided on a whim on fine day to move away from home for a longer time than I ever had done before. I can't seem to remember exactly all the thoughts that went into the decision but it was made and here I am. So much has changed, so much has progressed. Life has been turned on it's head from where it was back then and I am in a situation I never thought I'd be in. A family to take care of, a little one fully dependent on me and responsibilities. I still do miss home though! I miss the simplicity of life that I found only at home. I don't mean the luxuries or the ease of life, just the way that everything is simpler back there and there's always family around you to fall back on.

I thought homesickness would go away eventually....it hasn't and perhaps it never will. Going back is not an easy decision, particularly now that I have 2 other people to think of. But in the corner of my mind I still wonder at times just how it would be if we were back there. Part of me (a big part) smiles at that thought.

Winter is coming

The days turn shorter and the darkness stays on longer now. Every year as winter approaches I am conflicted between my love for the smell of winter nights and the dreariness that winter inevitably brings with it. With night shifts, the winter nights seem longer and somehow more so quiet. On patrol in the middle of nowhere I find peace at times and I pray that it all stays silent and calm. As the wind blows through the trees and the night stirs to the sound of this wind, I want time to stop so I can take it all in and stay at peace. But then, the world comes crashing in and the calmness is swept away.

Calling

People ask us why we do it. Why do we choose to go out and do a job where we are hated, cursed, attacked and judged? It's hard to understand I suppose; we see a side of society that most people aren't exposed to, we see the elements that hide away in the dark corners and lurk in the shadows. We deal with that and then manage to put on a smile and laugh about things. We leave our families so we can go out and protect others'. It doesn't make sense to most people....but it does to us. It's a calling for us and there's nothing else like it in the world.

Anguish

As I open a new door, I find myself on a new floor. Surrounded by familiar faces but yet they are oblivious to me. I walk through, walk amongst these faces hoping that perhaps someone will guide me out but they stare past me as if I don't exist. I try new doors, new corridors, new stairways but never find the way out. Even when I can see the outside, I realize I'm too high up or I'm too far away to the actual exit.

This recurring dream means something, I just don't know what. I've been trying to exit that building for years just to be with him but I can't. I can even see him standing outside in some of them, waiting for me but I can't get to him.

Aftermath

In policing, especially reactive policing, you rarely get to see the end result of a job you've dealt with. Recently I did and it made me smile. I came across a man who I had come across a month ago when he was trying to end his life, I somehow managed to convince him not to and at that time I could see he was a broken man. When I saw him again now, he was at his job, sharing a joke with his colleagues and had a beaming glowing smile on his face - such a stark contrast from the broken man I had come across a month ago. He didn't notice me looking and I didn't walk up to him but from a distance, I felt like I had accomplished something big that day. His smile and laughter was living proof of that.

This is why we do policing - why we accept the abuse, the hurt, the pain and the stress, just for these small victories. 

Laughter shield

We use comedy and laughter to hide our fears and our dreams, in the hope that no one ever sees through those laughs

Loop

If you had a choice to relive one day of your life, what day would you choose? And then what if you could not get out of the loop, would it then become your own hell?

Nostalgia burst

It's been 5 years that I've lived away from home and I still do miss it. Maybe in my head it's all nice and perfect back home and reality would force me away again, but I still have this massive burst of nostalgia everytime I hear of anything back home. More than anything, I want our little one to have a strong link back home to both families. I see how he is when he is around people back home and then I see him here far away from everyone and I wonder if we're doing the right thing

What makes you angry

People always think that what affects cops most is seeing dead people, it's not really the one major thing. Yes, there are some instances that stick in our minds because of some horrific incident but personally, there is one type of incident that makes me really angry.

Child neglect or anything to do with children where they are victimized....I just cannot stand it and it makes me really angry. Perhaps the fact that I have a young one of my own makes me feel this way but no child deserves to have an unhappy childhood

Broken

I come across so many broken families on every shift...its sad to think that people give up so easily on their vows of 'till death do us part'. The smallest things will make people throw away years of their devotion and jeopardize their children's future development. Say what you want but a child torn between two homes, two parents, will struggle to cope.

 

Departed

I've realized now that my reactions to deceased people has changed quite a bit since I've been working as a cop. I walk into a room with a deceased person and my mind suddenly goes into the process mode I have been taught. I will go through my mental list of what to do without thinking that there's a body in there in front of me. I realized this when I recently saw a rookie throw up and run out of the room crying as soon as she saw it.

I thought about it a bit recently, I guess it's normal in it's own way now. Sometimes I do talk to them...I don't think that's weird.

Outside the bubble

They said once you step through the bubble, you are never the same again....they were right. Being a cop was always something I wanted to try and now that I am one, I find it so hard to switch off from it. The bubble people live in is so blissful and serene, the darkness outside that bubble is so horrific!