After a while of anger, shock and sadness, perhaps acceptance is the next natural step. Or maybe it's just my way of thinking I'm over the initial stages of it all. I try to rationalise it in my mind, to think of the practicalities, anything to keep my mind off just how devastatingly broken I will be when it eventually does happen.
It's not fair, but then again whoever said that life is....
The more I try to normalise it the more people come and pull me down into the depths of despair. I feel helpless to control what is now clearly the inevitable. Yet I need to be / act strong as that's what is expected. How can I even properly express the grief or the sadness when there are so many expectations placed on me.
I can't even think it through fully without breaking down, I know I need to plan it all out in my head but I just can't right now.
I'm turning more and more towards the only way I know to cope but I know it's not good for my health....
How do I even start. The news came as a bolt of lightning, it shattered every wall that I had built up. Given her age, it was always inevitable that I would lose her but what's playing out is tearing me up inside. To hear that it may be a painful and drawn out end is not something I ever wanted to even imagine. To know that I have to speak to her and see her and not reveal what I know to be true, I'm not sure how I will even handle this over the next few months.
I wish I knew a way to handle this better, I am trying! I go on with my daily routines but then it just hits me out of the blue again and I break down. I can't even begin to count the number of times I've been sat by myself and completely broken down.
She has been through so much over the last 35 years and what have I ever done to make it easier for her? I know she would say I have done a lot but I know deep down I have not. I don't have the strength to get through this yet I know I must somehow manage.
I spoke to a man yesterday who had recently lost a parent. It was supposed to be a work call but I let him talk about how he feels and how he's doing. He opened up a lot more than I had expected and I felt good to have been there for him. There were things he said that made me realise how I've never accepted loss of loved ones and how that perhaps has been a big part of why I am the way I am. Is it too late to change now? Acceptance of loss has never been too easy for me, much rather a taboo subject.
The most beautiful thing he told me is that his mother's corneas have already been transplanted to someone and he writes to an email to his deceased mother's account everyday talking about how he's excited that a part of her will live on even beyond him and perhaps see different part of the country and a new life. It was hard to maintain composure when he said this.
