The all too familiar black hole

So what matters more when making life decisions? Do we look at practicality or so we go with gut feel? Or does one just jump head first into a black hole hoping that there's light at the other end.....I'm just not sure right now. I've had so many jumping into black hole experiences that it feels a little scary but then again this is part of my nature too now....this is what my instinct says. Anything else just seems alien to me

Falafel

Is it just me or is "Commodore Falafel" the funniest name for an Arabic snack shop! I mean it just sounds like something out of a satirical cartoon sketch :) and no I'm not being racist or anything....I just find it hilarious :D

Pushed again

I am being pushed again...pushed by the voice that may be conscience or may be some twisted concept of what I owe.....pushed to give up my choices...my dreams... for those of another. Perhaps, it is again time to put my dreams to sleep for now and hope that someday it will be time to live them.

Reminisce

I miss home....especially in the mornings. I remember the drives I once took...exploring and re-exploring different parts of the city. Those were the carefree days that I remember on cool breezy mornings like today....the spray of the sea while we walked....the laughs....the never ending and all too obvious castles in the sky. I reminisce about all that we were and all we thought we could be....I miss those days....I miss the company.

just an investment

Its a horrid feeling when you realize that you are treated as an investment by those you are closest to.....

Footsteps

Isn't it strange how we try so hard to be the men our fathers were...do the same things they did....talk the way they did...drive the same cars they did. Even after 24 years my choice of car is completely influenced by what I am told he liked :)

Driving it now, I feel closer to him

Alternative

I miss the days when alternative music was all over the radio....okay I know this makes me sound really old but it wasn't that far back :) Maybe I associate those songs to some of the best times of my life...with the best company I ever had....and thats why I still put them on repeat everytime I go nostalgic. Some people ask me why I get so quiet when the lyrics go: "let's pretend happy end".....there is only one other person in this world who will understand the significance of that line....that's what we did....many many years ago

Walk away

How do you get the courage to tell someone that you've outgrown them? What are the right words....what is the right tone? I don't think there's any easy way of doing it....atleast none that I have ever come across. Its very cyclical in my case....these sort of situations come up after every few years and I'm always left wondering how this all transpired. Maybe one of these days I will learn.

Gamble

So after a brief week back home i am now back to my new home and my new city. I thought that leaving the second time would be easier...not just on me but also on the family...but it was the same sadness that we all felt last time. I wonder if in time it will get better....perhaps not but I can always hope.

In this one week a lot has changed....some things have moved forward significantly while some things have deteriorated immensely and now I wait for the dust to settle and the cards to fall into their place so I can place my bet again and take on another big gamble. In the end that's what most big life decisions are....a big gamble that could at any time blow up in your face

Home again

Home after 2 months....or is this still home? Am I now supposed to consider my new place home? I don't think it works that way for me.....to me, this house, this area, this city, this country will always be home. The step I've taken puts me on a track going further and further away from here but in my mind I am still here. All the memories....all the people....all the lost ones....this is where I became who I am. For better or for worse...this is me...this city is me.

Yes there are inconveniences....not being able to use your phone on the road...carefully thinking about routes to and from places....the new obsession of the government to switch off cell phones every time there's an event :)  but only when you're far away do you realize how much you miss every little thing.

Forgive....

Forgive me for I have sinned...even when I knew what I was doing was wrong and would hurt people. I played games over and over....repeated patterns and mistakes that ended up hurting those who I had at one point cared about. It's not that I wasn't aware of what I was doing or what it would end in....I knew exactly what all these games would lead to. I still know....yet I still play them. Forgive me for this, I fear, is a part of my nature that I cannot change. It is the one thing that I loathe about me but yet the thrill I get from it is indescribable.

I know what I must do...I know I must put an end to these games once and for all....but I don't see that happening soon.....so forgive me....all affected by my tendency to play

Set practices

People trying to change me doesn't really work at this point in my life. I am a certain way and yes I have some rules and boundaries I don't cross because that's just not the way that my mind works. Why do people insist on following a path that just takes them round and round in life....I believe more in getting to the point.

Calm and serenity

Woke up to a fogged in morning today...couldn't see the building next to mine. It's mornings like these where you wish you could just stay in, make yourself some coffee and sit in the balcony to enjoy the serenity and the calm of the fog.

A game

I feel like I am destined to repeat some mistakes....these are dangerous games we play and what is hard to understand at first is how they impact the lives of other people. If I do have this realization then why is it that I go on with these games? What is it that prompts me to engage in this when I know there can be no good that comes of it in the end? This is a story I've seen played out several times before....an ending that is hard for all involved but still I march on as if it were nothing but just a simple game.

Imagination vs Reality

Many years ago....I thought of being in a different city on my own  far away from everyone else and living a life in a city where the world rushes too fast to care about anyone else. Now that I'm here....I've done my best to be in the situation I imagined. So how is it....how does it actually feel.....perhaps too soon to tell for now.

I miss the familiarity of friends and family...the routine that was established over years...the comforts of home. But I cherish the privacy...the ability to do what I want and go where I want without worrying about situations or the time. There are trade offs...there are things you have to forgo...lets see how this turns out.

Realization

You never realize the importance of home and family till you're far away from it....

Setting up

So for the past 2 weeks I've been setting up in a new city. It's not easy doing all this on your own...it is nothing like spending a few months on your own in a different city when on vacation. The feeling of coming back to an empty house and having no one to talk to or ask how the day was really gets to you. Eventually I am settling and adjusting but the loneliness gets to me a lot.

Sure this is an experience unmatched by anything I could have done on my own back home but leaving home so far behind is a big thing. I miss everything....family...friends...home...

Delayed decisions

I came across a song today by chance that took me all the way back to 95....scatman! Though today the song seems weird...it was the tune around town back then. I remember the first time I heard it was on a flight while going for vacations. 1995...seems like an eternity ago now. I had thought / decided back then that I would not be living here for long....so finally after so many years I guess I am back on track. This is one decision that is perhaps not being discarded but was only delayed

Serenity of the sea

I love the feeling of seawater slowly coming up to my feet and rising up and up. I've always loved the sea...the waves crashing down have a serenity about them that I cannot find anywhere else. For some reason, I always think clearer when I'm surrounded by the crashing waves...everything seems to be making sense. Even situations and people as complicated as some can become clear there.

A couple of weeks left now....I seem to be sorting out all the issues exvept one...despite all the good advice I have I am unable to set my path straigh and solve this issue. I wonder what I'm waiting for....or maybe I'm not waiting for anything....it is perhaps in my nature now to keep atleast a few confusions around me in my life.

Home

As my date of departure draws nearer....I find myself thinking of how I will miss this city. Every place I go to brings back memories of events...people...times. All of these, for better or worse, shaped who I am and what I am. I have lived abroad on several occassions and many times on my own also but having to begin completely anew and completely independently is something very different. I am not going to put on the show that most people do and say that I will never look back...I will miss this city...this is my home and no matter where I end up...this always will be my home.

Putting up

Do you really think I don't understand these little games you play day in and day out? We're too old to play these games now....as it is I get bored way too soon and I fear these games will just bring on the boredom sooner. I guess I'm putting up with these because of my own need for companionship....that is perhaps the weakest reason to be in this situation but unfortunately its all I have for the moment.

Attached memories

Every street...every corner...contains memories that rush back at times when you are passing by them. A small corner shop may look inconspicuous but only when you go in you realize it was a place once frequented many many years ago. Attached to that memory are the memories of another person long since passed....I remember the last time we went to that store to buy candy....it was almost 20 years ago now. That was a time of many losses.....it was tough but I got through it....I guess I'm getting tired of constant tests....maybe someday they will stop.

Blindness to reason

In hindsight the things being done now will probably be considered stupid and naive.....yet at this time, they tend to make sense in a strange way. When all reason tells you to stay away, why is it that we at times tend to adopt blindness to reason.

Road Trip

I got the opportunity recently to do what few have done....travel all across Pakistan by road. From Karachi all the way up to Peshawar, a whole month of travelling in unbearable heat, sleeping in hotel rooms that had never heard the word comfort mentioned inside them, avoiding solid food that would land you in hospital instantly.....but all of this was made bearable by the amazing sights and the wonderful hospitality of the people I met throughout the country. 30 days and 28 cities....it was truly epic and in light of certain things happening in my life now I think it was fitting that I got to take this trip. I can now proudly say I have seen most of our country:

Karachi - Hyderabad - Sanghar - Khipro - Umerkot - Sukkur - Ghotki - Mirpur Mathelo - Ubaro - Rahim Yar Khan - Dera Ghazi Khan - Kahror Pakka - Fazal Pur - Muzzafargarh - Sahiwal - Lahore - Gujranwala - Faisalabad - Silanwali - Toba Tek Singh - Jhelum - Dina - Mangla - Mirpur - Rawalpindi - Islamabad - Mardan - Peshawar

The one thing that stands out among all the places I went is the hospitality and friendliness of the people.

Hypocrites

I can't help but laugh at the irony when a man who spends 15 minutes lecturing people on religion then tries to cheat his way out of a measly Rs.25 highway toll....hypocrites!

Last resting place

After 23 years of dreading it I finally decided to pay him a visit. See in my family we don't talk about anything bad that happened and death is a topic completely avoided...consequently graveyards are a place avoided completely also. I don't know how the thought came into my head....I was nearby the place and suddenly I felt this urge to see him...I can't explain it. So I went...the place was different from when I last went....just a year after he had passed but I remembered the layout....I remembered where to go. Walking towards the place I realized how long it had been....how no one had bothered to come here in 23 years....I am the first in the family to go there after that initial year.

I suppose I was naive to think that a grave left unattended for over 20 years would still be there...it wasn't but I found the spot...as I realized it was gone I couldn't hold back...as I write this I still can't hold back. We shouldn't have left him there all these years alone....I guess I always believed that the body is just a vessel that doesn't hold any significance after the soul is gone but being there....at the place he last rested I felt close to him. I sat there and talked to him....asked him for forgiveness....remembered the last days we spent....told him I loved him and missed him...things that I have been saying to his images for years. But saying them there in that place was different in some way.

I suppose not going there for so long enhanced the sense of not accepting that he was gone....I don't know if having gone there now will help me overcome this. Spending 30 minutes there in that place he was once resting, I wondered if I am anything like you had hoped that I would be....I suppose I'll never know that. I will never know if I make you proud or if you forgive me for having never visited him in all these years....I hope you do....I swear I never even once spent a day without thinking of you and how much I miss not having you there.

Let down

After years of putting up with all their troubles and mess....when you finally reach out to them for not help but maybe compassion and understanding....you're faced with cynicism and sarcasm. Your family isn't supposed to let you down like this....they are supposed to be there for you and support you when you're down...not kick you further. Who do you turn to now? You're in a corner again....a corner you've been in before...when noone would have understood...

Oblivious

Nights spent in the comfort of other travellers of the same road you're on....they can be so relaxing. For a moment you forget the journey you're on and the treacherous twists that fate has in store for you on this road and you are lost in the company of another who is doing the same. We choose to remain oblivious to reality...we choose to kep our heads in the ground so as not to see the rising tide.

People and times

I've never believed in the right time for the right person....but what happens when you meet the right person at the wrong time.......

Misinterpreted games

People who play hard to get need to realize that there's a fine line between keeping someone's interest by playing the game and giving the impression of low interest. The line is blurry and often crossed unintentionally and by the time you realize that it was crossed.....too late!

Aren't we too old to play these games now

Juggling

I wonder what it is about me that loves juggling....juggling people is certainly not easy nor is it a good thing in the end to toy with all of them. Still.....why is it that I never stop?

Little sister

I'm lucky to have the most amazing best friend in the world.....infact more than that....with her I actually do feel like I have the perfect little sister ....

Perspective

So I spent a week out of the city in a place where my room had a view of the woods and a valley below us. It was beautiful and it gave me a bit of perspective.

I realized that the reason I'm restless is because I don't do things for myself rather I do things that I feel would make people around me happy. Over time, my family's become so focussed around the neagtives and the crises that surround us that we stopped looking at the smaller good things in life. When I try to solve all these crises I lose out on the things that I'm meant to do for myself......

The thrill of the chase

There are those of us who enjoy the thrill of getting something we want dearly so much that this is all we focus on...we don't look at the entire picture...we focus solely on getting the thing (person) we want and put everything behind that goal. Once we attain it....the thrill is gone....the excitement....the passion all dissipates and we're left with the empty feeling of having nothing to chase. It's then that we start looking for the next chase....and the cycle keeps on going.

Hexed

They were a happy little family of 4....surrounded by close friends and relatives. Every weekend was filled with trips and outings. The head of the family had worked hard to build a good and comfortable life for everyone. They had 2 little girls and he wanted a son....as is the customary wish here in this country. They had tried once but had failed....a miscarriage that no one in the family ever speaks of to this day. Then it had finally happened....they had a boy and everyone was happy that they were now 5 instead of 4. The abundance of pictures from that era shows how happy everyone felt and how much the future seemed bright. He apparently used to tell everyone about all that he would do with the boy by his side as he grew up.

No one had expected that this was the beginning of a tough and harsh time for them all. The boy's birth was soon followed by financial crises.....death of one of the family's patriarchs....internal squabbles....breaking of bonds.....the list goes on. Times became tougher and tougher....and finally culminated in the head of the family's death....an unexpected...sudden death....one that to this day is not talked about or explained to the boy.

He knows he was the bringer of bad luck....he knows that his coming changed everything about the family.....they may have been 5 but not for long....just under 7 years after his birth they were 4 again and then the splits and fading of bonds....finally leading to being completely dysfunctional. No one blames him for anything but he knows deep down that he was a curse for them all....maybe they think it in the back of their minds....maybe they will never say it out loud. It's not his fault....he never asked for any of this......how could he control whatever fate had in store. All he can say is "I am sorry".......

Pure emotion

So I came across an incident today which made me stop and think. This guy I know was apparently working till 1:30am making a sales call while he has malaria and almost collapsed. When I asked him why he is constantly risking his health he had one very simple yet silence inducing answer...."I don't want my new born daughter to begin walking in a rented house".

Nothing I say any further can add to the pure human desire and emotion in that statement he gave

Belong

I've always been supposed to be the one who thinks of the family....of what is good for the family....of continuance. I'm tired of that now....I've always put everyone else before myself and in all this time...what I wanted has been lost. Perhaps this is why I feel like I'm not on the right path....I never really understood my path...I jump from rock to rock seeking familiarity....seeking calm....seeking the feeling that I belong somewhere.

Staying put

I remember how much I searched for companionship at one point in my life....I searched for the right person and felt that the right time was approaching. A lot of emotional distress later....I find myself running away from any sort of commitment now. There have been so many disappointments that I'm honestly quite afraid of going through another. I see people around me settling and getting engrossed in a new phase of their lives but there's a part of me that does not want to move into that phase any more.

There's also the thought that if so many things do go wrong so many different times, then maybe this is a sign that I'm supposed to stay away from that phase of life. The urge to stay put is too great right now....

Sometimes I'm confused whether I'd want a rewind button in my life or a fast forward button........

Memory lane

Almost 24 years now and I still can't accept it....it was unfair...it is unfair. I know that until I accept it I cannot avoid tearing up whenever I think of that day.

But how do you accept something that you don't even want to bring to the front of your mind....its back there locked away...sneaking out in dreams and in moments of uncontrollable nostalgia. The moments you drive by a street where we lived long ago...the park where he would take me....the place to get ice cream... there are way too many memory triggers. I can't control them....I can't control the resurgence of those memories and of the feeling of being deprived.....

Wanderer

I wake up everyday thinking that perhaps today will be a day when I don't go through the same rollercoaster that I did before....it never really changes though. There's too many mixed emotions now....anger, fear, sadness....too much of these infact. I am caught in between responsibility and the need to shun everything and everyone and just wander.

I feel like I am intrinsically a wanderer; I cannot settle in a situation for too long and I seek escape. This doesn't bode well for hopes of a normal life but I guess that hope never really existed in too much quantity. Most deams I have are about running.....running through a vast openess....it is there where I am happy and at ease.

Out of place

What does it mean when you feel out of place around people who are happy? Faking a plastic smile and the laugh and the conversation isn't tough....it's the time when everyone else leaves and you're alone and you ask yourself "why am I this way?"

Emptiness

Sometimes you want to write down so much....so much that is constantly being said in your head in voices that you do not recognize....but when you look at the page all you can churn out is emptiness.....

Unease

Another week of travelling....another week of spending nights in different hotels.....all the new faces I meet get mixed into a blur...the new names are lost in a sea of anonymity. I feel restless and lost most of the time....I feel like I haven't found my purpose as yet. I had thought so many years ago that I had it figured out and that I would find my purpose and my path....that was supposed to happen many years ago but now I realize that its a far off prospect for the moment. I don't like this feeling of uncertainty...this feeling of unease.....this is not where I wanted to be.

A strong connection

Everytime I go to Lahore, I feel connected to my past...my family's past...especially when I go to the old house. Its hard to describe how exactly I feel but the connection is extremely strong...it's as if I belong there. Being compared to ones great grandfather is quite an unusual thing....not having ever met him but just having heard stories. You wonder then about the similarities....perhaps the events in life will be similar too....thats both a good and a bad thing if it is infact true.

Envy

I am envious at times of people who I see as visibly happy and content. I am not naive enough to believe that they won't have any issues but on the face of it they seem to be content. I yearn to be content....I'm not saying that I'm ungrateful for what I have. Far from it! I realize I have been privileged enough to have a lot of things that others have not....to have had experiences that others have not. I just wish that I could get things to work out the way I had thought of so many years ago. The day I made that first compromise is when everything changed. That is the one day I would take back and change......I'd give anything for that chance.

At the end of the day, you need to understand that no one really cares as much as they say they do....

Silent comfort

There is a comfort in silence....a comfort you don't find anywhere else.

Lost road

There was a road....leading up to the sea. A dirt road....very quiet, cut off and not one that many people knew about. It formed a very small natural pier onto the water....it was a beautiful little spot. We went there so many times back then....just to talk...stare out into the unending sea and just wonder what the future held. It was a place where I was at peace...content...happy.

There's a building now on the spot where we used to find our little piece of heaven....a building....construction crews and equipment. The road itself is gone and one can hardly know of what it once was unless you went there yourself. I often pass by that road....I often think of the times spent there. I wonder if you remember or recognize it when you pass by this place. In my heart I hope you do....what I wouldn't give to have another day there with you

Bigger walls

What is it that you fear most? Inane things such as the dark, spiders, reptiles, rejection....? These are all things that can be overcome. The problematic fears are the ones that you cannot overcome by realizing that they cannot harm you. These are the ones you lock away in the back of your mind and fight with everyday.

It took me quite a while to realize that my fear is the fear of being alone....because every person who I've got close to an extent of trusting them with everything has walked away eventually. I fear this at the start of every friendship and relationship. You form a dependance on the person and then that person walks away and you're left with nothing but a feeling of loneliness and you go back to building the walls higher and thicker so that the next time it'll be harder to let anyone in. But I guess I never learn......

Selfish wishes

Is it wrong to not care about the lives of the other 200 people when you wish your plane doesn't get back to ground safely? I suppose so.....

You hear of all these incidents and you wonder why you couldn't be in one of them.....perhaps that's not fate's design for now. Wishes go unanswered and then I'm back to face the dread of reality

Lost possibilities

So I got the chance to go to my university again after so many years.....it was an alumni interview thing which was great but what felt so strange was being back there. The memories of every part of that building came flooding back suddenly and I can honestly say I was lost in them for quite a while....a part of me is still lost in them right now......lost in the possibilities that could have been. You don't realize the impact of the decisions you make at times until years later....until its well beyond being too late...all you're left with then is what if?

If I had the chance to do some things all over again....I would change quite a lot I suppose. But that world doesn't exist....you don't get a rewind button in life. But honestly it would be so great if you did have a rewind button.

Ignored screams

What do you do when the voice inside your head keeps telling you to wake up and face reality but the rest of you just keeps telling you to go on pretending like everything's okay? The voice inside your head keeps getting louder and louder....it turns into a scream even.....but hope is a powerful and foolish thing and it keeps you from listening to the screams.....they go ignored. Perhaps to the point where it becomes too late.....

Dreary

This is the weather forecast given on my phone today....quite spot on actually. I don't mean the weather....just the general mood I find myself in. People I meet from years ago have had so much happen in their lives - personal lives - and they all have endless stories to tell me. Frankly I still feel my personal life stopped years ago and what I have now is just hopping from one to the next finding temporary comfort. I suppose that's all I'm looking for....temporary comfort. This isn't what life is supposed to be like though.....I know there needs to be more than just temporary comfort.

Why do old people make me sad? I really don't understand this.....it's been going on for a while now and I've tried to think of any reason that could possibly be making me feel this way.....but I can't put my finger on it. I keep getting these phases of sadness from time to time....it's really very strange. Is this the onset of a bigger depression phase? Am I slowly moving myself closer to the mouth of the abyss again? Hope not.....but only time will tell....

Overwhelmed

It's that time again....time when I feel overwhelmed....staying up till the early hours of the morning....watching the break of dawn. It's like a cycle, I come back to this place every few years and start wondering which direction I can turn my life towards so that maybe things can at one point hopefully get better and I find some of the happiness I now vaguely remember having once. That point is there in my dreams....I try my best to grasp at it but even there I fail. maybe that happiness is just meant to stay out of reach now. If so, even if I believe so....then what hope is left?

What is life now? A day to day crawl....trying to just make it through the day without having to face the fact that everything you once thought of is now slowly becoming out of reach? I don't like being sad....I put on the fake plastic smile for the fake plastic groups I see daily but for how long? If there's a test in all this.....a test of faith.....then this test has run far too long. Everybody deserves to be let out of the test room eventually.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2v8Ms5lG9X8

The tests we endure

There are times when people are constantly put in a state of test by fate.....its hard to understand when this happens to people who have been nothing but good to everyone around them. You've been the reason that I kept my sanity in the last few months....the reason I didn't lose my mind or do something stupid....and I don't understand why these things happen but one thing I am sure of is that it must get better for you soon.

Its hard to understand the tests that life puts us through....this one is especially hard to understand and I cannot believe that no good will come of it. Losing hope is the worst thing that we can do...I know because its happened to me several times and its then when you end up at the mouth of the abyss where even the slightest doubt can send you over the edge. I was lucky I got pulled back....maybe I wouldn't call that lucky.

Hawker

Some faces can bring about a sudden rush of memories. Today I came across a newspaper hawker who has been standing at this one intersection for years now. His face reminded me of a time when I used to go pick up my sister every evening from work; I can't fully remember how old I was at the time but I can remember the daily trip and at times getting some pastries from the lobby while waiting for her.

Its been many years since I had thought of the place and the connection that I had with my sister at that time.....over time the connection has faded and become much weaker.I miss those days at times.....I miss that connection. I also remember the innocence of those times, the simplicity and the world of opportunity that lay in front of all of us. From those years on we got more and more dysfunctional and the connections between all of us dissipated. The last image I have of all 4 of us together was infact was when there was 5 of us.....2 days before there were 4 of us left.....

A different world

This week I got the opportunity to work in an area which most people have never even heard of....and those who have heard of it know it as the area where most of the robbers come from. What I saw is not easily described in words but I will try.

Imagine a world of abject poverty, a world without proper buildings, no roads, no sewage system and no basic utilities. This is a world where the locals use the most basic of things to stay happy, they don't know most of the things we take for granted and are living their lives the best they can with the absence of any luxuries of life. Little kids run around on the road (more like a gap between shanty buildings with swereage in the middle) playing with stones.

Having seen such abject poverty and miserable living conditions, one is forced to rethink priorities in life.....things that seemed so very important and necessary now seem to be irrelevant. One thanks God for all his blessings and for being born into a world that knows luxuries and comfort. One also says a prayer for these people every day.

Self advise sessions of the past

I passed by a familiar street today and asked remembered an event there which leads me to ask a question:

What do you do when you realise that some of the most important conversations that you've had have not been with an actual person? Do you walk off to seek help or pat yourself on the back for being a good consultant yourself? Or is that just sad?

Ofcourse the pat on the back depends on how things turned out. To this day, I don't really know how to answer this one....

I'm glad I have someone now who can play this role for me and actually does a great job at it.

Questioning lessons

Sometimes God puts really good people through very difficult times to test them and strengthen their faith.....well atleast this is what the grown ups always told us when we were young and went through something bad. I see bad things happen to a very good person and I wonder why God would make such a great and wonderful person go through such difficult times. It's hard to straightforwardly believe in what the grown ups told us when you see this happening to someone you care about so strongly. This is when you start questioning all the lessons they taught you.

I do all I can to keep this person strong and maintain her cheery and delightful take on life....but I worry that I'm not doing a great job. Ironic that someone as fed up as me has to be a pillar for someone who has given me strength and resilience through so much.

Remnants of conscience

So when you've done a bad deed so many times that you can't even count properly....why is it that doing another makes you wince at the thought? I suppose it's a good sign that I wince...perhaps it means that deep down I do realize the wrongs I do.....but why can't I learn to avoid them altogether? This question's been asked before but unfortunately I don't have the answer. Maybe the remnants of my conscience are limited to afterthoughts only.

Now that I've entrenched myself in a tough spot....I suppose I have no choice left but to wait it out and try my best to derive an outcome that is hopefully going to be good in the long run.Maybe a part of me knows better than to rush head first into situations that are difficult to say the least.....but I'm pretty sure this part is never really heard when these situations come up.......

Holiday ramble

Going through some of the movies in the old collection makes you realize that they really don't make great movies anymore.....also the nostalgia that they bring about is just amazing. Thinking about old times....simple times...times when the future was full of opportunity and one had optimism about how things would be great and different. Not that I'm not grateful for all I've accomplished so far....I'm quite certain that in some years I will look back on these days with nostalgia :) such is the way of things.

I don't like plastic people....though I have quite a few around me....I even tried my best to change one....to cut through all the plastic and reach in to the human deep inside...what a disaster that was! I wish I could just snap my fingers and make my things in the non work life of mine okay now....I'm tired of all the games and all the drama.

Refreshing.....

In this day and age can it actually be true that one such as you can remain so naive and innocent? Your childlike worry and dreams of fantasy lands are refreshingly wondrous but I worry about letting your illusions shatter. There are things in this world....things within me....that you cannot even begin to comprehend....things that do not fit into your simplistic view of the world.

Simplicity is something I always sought in my life....you bring it in abundance. I suppose I owe it to myself to try this route also....everything else has pretty much blown up in my face so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this doesn't.