Time stood still

I go over those last 20 minutes over and over in my head. I knew what was coming and I knew all that I had to do. I had lost her radial pulse some time back and could feel her hands and feet go cold. I could then see very little blood pressure on the device and no pulse being registered elsewhere so I knew it was imminent. But when it did happen, it was like everything stood still. Then it was like an out of body experience, I could see myself do all the things I was doing, say all the things to others but it felt like I was stood in another part of the room watching myself from afar. 

It happened in the most peaceful manner, she had a tough few months but that last night she passed on her own bed surrounded and held by all those who loved her. For some reason when I close my eyes now, I don't see her as she was at the end but I see her as she was years ago....healthy, happy, lively.

Her life had been a good one which had turned tough suddenly and then for the last 35 years she struggled to raise me in the best way she could. This haunts me.....she did so much for me and I feel I did absolutely nothing.

When it was all over and everyone was out of the room, I stayed with her, I hugged her and kissed her goodbye...I told her I loved her but ofcourse heard nothing back. I'd like to think she heard me and I 'd like to think she is happy and at peace now. 

It's now the little things that make me break down....the messages she forwarded to me every morning....the Sunday calls....the constant checks on me when I was travelling to make sure I wasn't overworking and getting tired or sick....the stories she had....the love she had....